I have been feeling like I am losing
myself. Before I used to care more about people. Now I care more about
myself. Is it something that happens with age? Do we tend to become more
selfish? I remember that I always wanted to earn a lot so that one day I can
give help to people who need it. Not charity but as a helping hand. But now
when I actually am earning, I only think of ways to save and survive.
I cringe to think of those people who do without
even the basics?? I don't remember when I became so selfish, so self
involved! Is it because of me? Or the society around me? Is it because I have
to help myself to just survive through and then in my leisure time I can
help others?
But even if I want to help! Where do I
start? I see corruption and helplessness everywhere and to be honest it scares
me! Maybe that is the real problem: fear. We are just so bloody scared. I
have always been scared. Scared of not being accepted, of failing in class, of
becoming a nobody, of not earning enough! And guess what I see now I was not
alone. We are just all scared. How can I help others when I myself am in dire
need of help!
I have completely lost myself in the slow
steady ridiculous humdrum of the daily grind. I am like so many others trying
to somehow live through. I talk my talk but too scared to walk it. And here too
am not alone. And trust me that is anything but reassuring.
I am and have always been very privileged in my
life. My parents have provided me with all that I needed and sometimes much
more. No we are not rich but we have always had more than enough. More than most. I
sometimes feel the burden of it. What if I do nothing of this opportunity I
have been blessed with? See, fear is here, again. I do not want to become another lucky bugger
who makes enough in life but nothing meaningful out of it. I want
to pass on my opportunity to others.
I think today being my grandmother's ( my
best friend) 8th death anniversary all these thoughts are coming to me more. She had always told us to become good human beings and to value each other more than we value mere materials. If I ever become the person I want to, I will owe it all to
her.
I have too many plans and I know
I need help to establish them. But first let's all pledge to get over our fears
and be thankful for what we have.