Ready or not.
I thought I was just burnt out.
Working two jobs or three.
Earning to save,
because of the BIG MOVE.
That’s all I thought about
for the last few years.
I thought that was it,
this is how I change my life,
break all the old patterns.
Oh, how wrong was I!
I earned the money,
saved it too.
I made the big move,
I am where I thought I should be.
It is truly lovely.
I am happy,
don’t get me wrong.
But I am lonely.
I have left my family & friends,
and the city I grew up in,
all of whom I had just started to love again.
In all honesty,
I miss them, but I am not homesick.
I just wish I could have carried
them with me.
I know eventually, this loneliness will go.
I know me.
I will make new friends
and possibly maybe will fall in love.
But, this in-between time,
is killing me.
I am failing to create routines,
and seem to be creating the same,
loops of disaster,
that have always bogged me down.
(Can take the girl out the disaster,
but not the disaster out of the girl, eh?)
I love my daily walks here,
I love the smiling faces,
I LOVE the fall colours,
the cool breezes,
the hustle of the city.
I love it all.
This is what I wanted,
I feel like I can thrive here.
But, somehow something,
keeps holding me back.
Is it my anxiety?
The fear of failure,
of starting over?
Is it loneliness?
I keep giving myself deadlines,
to “get over it” and “just do it”.
Is that the problem?
Do I need more time?
Or is it just me?
The self-inflicted pressure,
can be a huge pain.
I do carry a lot of the old baggage,
they are not easy to get rid of.
Are they bogging me down?
I want to wake up fresh,
feel the cool air,
and just dive in,
embracing all that is to come my way.
I am scared,
and this crippling anxiety isn’t helping.
But I am ready.