I feel like such
a failure, in every sense of the term. The reason, not known to me yet.
Maybe one of those bad days. Maybe my hormones are acting up. I don't know why
but I feel like an utter failure. I have not been able to sleep at all. Watched
Julie and Julia for the umpteenth time. Did not feel the connect as I had every
single time. It only made me miss my Grandmother even more. It was because of
her, that I fell in love with food and with cooking. I am no chef, not even an
amateur. But, I forget all my worries, all the things going wrong or right when
I cook. Even making simple eggs for breakfast feels like a trance. I have been
thinking of cooking regularly but to be very honest, it has only been making me
miss Thamma even more. I actually feel very helpless. I have always done things
because I loved them or because that made me happy or made others happy. But, I
don't feel that happiness anymore, not for others, not from myself. I had
always planned my life. Arts in high school, Bachelors in English then Masters
in English and finally a P.H.D. I remember by the time I was in class V I knew
what my subject for my P.H.D. was going to be. But, look at me now, I can
hardly construct a proper sentence in the language I loved so much. When did
all that planning change? I do not even remember. I just know I feel very
empty. I hear it is quite a common epidemic. Why is it? I wonder why in the age
of advanced technology and amazing connectivity, we feel so disconnected? I
sometimes blame it purely on the new found love of money. We want something in
life, only money can get it. The more we want, the more money we need. I know
there is only one major need in my life! GOOD FOOD! And, for that I can sell my
soul. Ok, not mine maybe but you get the hint! :P I have no idea why with an early
morning tomorrow, I am up this late, typing my random, random thoughts in a
blog which none reads but I. Call it madness, but I am actually feeling like I
just talked to a confidant and feel like I can go out and win the world. I do
not have any wishes to do so though. All I want from life are these: A steady
job with little hassle, money to buy my family and friends (the closest of them
all, not the 'hi-hello-how are' types) anything and everything their hearts
might ever desire, and to help out others in more ways than just simple
'charity'. I do not really care about pleasing my boss or making big bucks to
have a lavish house and a sexy car. Those are just added bonuses if gotten. I
want to make sure the people in my life are always happy. And, if I am
the reason for their happiness, it makes me happy! Go ahead call me selfish.
But, seeing my friends smile when I randomly treat them to something nice,
never fails to make me smile. I am no saint though, I want that latest macbook
pro and that amazing camera or that cool Iphone. But, I know, I can very well
do without them. They always are temporary haphineses, only good till a
better model comes out. I honestly do not know what lies before me anymore, if
I want to study further, do some other job back home, or stay here and work for
the next 20 years, or simply take off on a 'spiritual journey'. But, one thing
I have learnt from experience, I want to make sure those who care (I have
figured there are a few who do) about me, are always happy. I cannot anymore
plan my life for more than a day in prior. I no longer know for sure, that
'this is what I want'. That scares the hell out of me, but I love this fear,
this uncertainty. Because this assures me to live my life a little bit more
everyday than I used to before. I have taken so many things for granted in past
because of my obsessive planning. I am not the best communicator in
the world, and usually what I think in my head and what I finally end up saying
are entirely different. Yet, I have realised I love my life, every good and bad
bit of it. There are so many things I wish now, I had done differently. So many
decisions I wish I had taken differently. But, I know for sure now, each of
those little details have made me who I am today. And, I believe I am not the
worst thing on Earth right this very minute. Maybe one day in future I will
become someone worthwhile, someone rich, someone to look upto, but even if that
does not happen, I will know I lived my life. I have no freaking clue why I
started writing this post and spent a good 16 minute on it, but maybe one day
in future I will or someone will read this and feel happy or will just smile.
Anyway, I will go to my little dreamland where everything is good and dandy.
Good night for now. (to whoever is reading, other than moi) :)