How did I get here?
14:56 IST, I just had a long heart to heart with my sister and realised something. I knew this for a while now, but, today I understood. I am broken. I mean it.
What I mean by that is, I am not who I used to be. I know what you are thinking, wait, Arunima everyone changes. No, I don't mean that way. I mean there were some basic good things in me, which, at least for now are not there anymore.
One of the things I used to pride in me, was the fact that I was always very empathetic towards others. I could feel what others felt and sometimes feel before others could even reach there. (Okay, this could have been an imagination of mine, but, I honestly have had enough people tell me that they could easily open up to me, because I understand. So, taking from that note, I feel like I might have been an empathetic listener.)
But, lately, I do not feel anything. A friend recently told me that he met with an accident. It was nothing major, and he is perfectly fine. But, still it was quite a close one. Earlier I would have reacted a lot. I would have scolded him (for reasons unknown to humankind) or been emotional in general. Or, at least I would have reacted in some way or the other.
But, this time when he told me, my only thought was....BLANK. I felt nothing. I thought of nothing. My exact response was 'Okay'. This surprised him. It surprised me too. I could not believe how I did not feel anything. For a moment I switched off and started thinking of something completely unrelated and definitely unimportant.
I don't know if it was because he and I have been fighting for a while and he stopped talking to me (reasons he also doesn't know) or because in general, I have stopped feeling much.
This happened again when another friend was telling me about something in her life, and I switched off. I didn't want to know, and in all honesty, I didn't care. Now, this friend of mine has been very close to my heart for the past few years. And, when she went through a bad phase I felt as if my heart was going through those pains.
She and I also had a falling out, well, she decided she needed some time off, especially from me and we stopped talking. She was the one who started talking again. Honestly, I got used to not talking to her. (We used to talk every single day.)
Maybe, it's a one of thing, I mean I did have major fights with them and both of them did stop talking to me and I wasn't the primary person of blame in either! Maybe, that's it. Maybe, the fact that I felt rather betrayed by them has put me off them, and hence I don't empathise with them. I am not sure if I sympathise either!
Am I thinking too much about this? People have told me before about this. Maybe, I am. Maybe, I am just trying to analyse this. Because to be honest, empathising with others, feeling for others is one of the only things I loved about me. If that goes, I do not know if I am a good person anymore!
Food for thought, eh?
Funny, I thought today I would talk about food addiction or something related to food. But, here I am talking about emotions.
21:15 IST, I felt horrible the whole day. My pain (Fibromyalgia) was making sure I was having a terrible day. My periods, which have been on for 21 days now, is adding to this misery. So, I thought going to a movie might cheer me up. Saw a Bengali movie about a detective, Kiriti Roy. It was all right. I might do a movie review on it soon. Anyway, intelligent being that I am, I did not carry any fruits as I had intended to and got super hungry while watching the movie. And, so, ended up having a sandwich! :(
I don't think my diet is going that well. I am trying to more healthy but till now every day I have ended up eating something I didn't want to! -_-
Anyway, now I am back home. My back is killing me. My stomach is aching, and my head hurts. I might just go to sleep now and think about the movie a bit more. Oh, yeah I tend to do that with books and films and series, etc., a lot.
The bright spot of the day was I caught three new Pokemon (yes, I am playing Pokemon Go, and I am not ashamed of it) and one of them was a rare one! :) It came from nowhere in the parking of the mall. Also, three of the eggs hatched. That made me a happier than I had hoped to be! :)
Anyway, on that note, I am signing out for today. Good Night/Day/Afternoon/Evening!
TODAY'S CHECKLIST:
- Exercise: Walked 3500 steps.
- Food:
- Breakfast: Spaghetti in Simple Marinara sauce
- Lunch: Quinoa, Mixed vegetable, Dal, Fish, cucumber
- Snack: Super Drink, Grilled Chicken Sandwich, Cheese and Chicken Nugget
- Dinner: Salad
- Study: 30 mins of French.
- Read: 30-40 pages from Uganda Be Kidding Me by Chelsea Handler
- Feeling: A severe headache the whole day. Been bleeding like crazy (periods). Feeling utterly weak.