No matter the time,
the distance,
the long hours of therapy.
Some scars may never heal.
You can tell yourself,
you are fine.
But, are you really?
All you can do
is keep moving,
because stopping doesn’t take away the pain.
But, it does weaken it greatly.
Some scars may never heal,
but remain as marks of a warrior,
who fought internal wars and external battles,
and won and survived.
Some scars may never heal,
but,
You are bigger than your scars.
She is the older one and she is pretty cool. I consider her to be my best friend. She is my closest confidant and I know no matter what she will always have my back.
It was definitely not like that when we were children. At times I was sure I would end up killing her and have my face on the front page of the newspaper the next day with some weird headline like “Sister kills sister for a toy/piece of fruit/who gets more time with the grandmother”.
Our fights were so random and a little inspired by the WWF. Yes, we used to watch grown humans fight and think that’s a cool way to show anger/annoyance! We do not do that now. At all.
I was a skinny child and it was very easy for my strong sister to simply pick me up and toss me to the other side of a room like I was a ball of tissues. (She has always been freakily strong; she still is.) And, yes that has happened many times as much as my sister would like to deny that. Luckily none of them were physically or emotionally damaging for either of us. There was a sense of fun and bonding hidden under the layers of anger, stupidity, and childishness.
We were almost always the polar opposite in almost everything. I liked sports and to read and, she liked to, honestly I don’t remember much of what she liked as a child. I now know her well. We still are very different from each other but we have learned to adjust and adapt to each other.
Though we were not close we always had this bond where we knew to share our secrets with each other. I never could understand why we did that. We just trusted each other. We have always shared the darkest and deepest thoughts with each other and we just knew they were always going to be safe.
I think I can actually pinpoint that specific day/moment when I just knew how close I was to my sister.
We both were extremely close to our paternal grandmother. When I was 16 and my sister was 18, “Thamma” passed away. This was a huge shock for both of us. I think we dealt with that in our own ways. After about 2 years or so had passed since her passing away, one evening I suddenly felt like crying and I kept crying. I didn’t know why. It was rather late at night. I went to my sister’s room expecting she must have fallen asleep. But she was, sitting in one corner crying her heart out. It was as if we both realised at the same time what had happened. It just took us a few years to get there. I do not know if she remembers this specific night. But, it’s etched in my memory forever.
I knew then and there I definitely do not want to kill my sister (what a relief) and that she and I are meant to stick by each other forever.
We have both matured and grown so much in the last decade, a lot more than we both had hoped to. But, here we are. 2020 is our year, right didi?
Today is her day. It is her birthday. I wanted to let the world know (or the 30 odd people who will actually read this) how much I respect and love my sister. Professionally she inspires and challenges me and almost everyone she comes in contact with.
She is a really good listener and will patiently listen to you babble for hours. But, beware her favourite response is “Hmmm”. She is not being disrespectful, you just have to learn the “many depths and meanings of the hmmms”. Each has a different feeling attached to it. (I will soon release a guide book for those who would like to know more.)
She is extremely talented and maybe I am biased but I think she might be a genius as well.
I love the fact that recently she has been able to come out of her cocoon a lot more and now the world gets small glimpses of the sweet craziness that makes her unique. I am so happy that she is surrounded by people who love, respect and take care of her. Because she does the same for others.
She is the kind of person who will sacrifice for you without you ever knowing about it. If she sees someone needs something from her and she is able to get that done, she will just get that done, without question or asking for anything in return.
I had so much more I wanted to write but for today I think I will just say one thing. Since we were kids and even now, many people compare us because we are sister and it seems that’s a thing that people do. I have been told by many that my sister is better at many things etc etc. These kinds of remarks/observations never make me feel bad or sad or jealous or envious (apparently one is supposed to feel at least one of them, is what I am told). On the contrary, I feel so proud. She makes me proud all the time.
I wish that in this new year of your life, you get to fulfill all that you have set your mind to (I know you will anyway, see you at the finish line). You have taught me being ambitious isn’t a bad thing. You have taught me to always learn, re-learn and teach others what you learn, because even in teaching there is learning. You have taught me it’s never late to start anything or to believe in oneself.
You are a good sister but I think everyone who knows you can agree with me, you are a good human being.
Happy Birthday!
This is something I truly believe. I cannot respect someone just because I am told to or because I am supposed to. Nope. No matter who you are, you need to earn my respect.
I do not care if you are related to me or older than I am or or or.
I know I am not really someone who is famous or important. My words shouldn’t mean much to many. But, I will stand by my principles. I cannot respect someone just because I must.
Respect is earned through actions, not words.
Words do not cost much. They can be bought and sold, but one’s action stands by them.
Does your action demand respect or earn it?
P.S. The two people I respect the most; my mother and sister. I just had to let the world know. :)
I am lazy! OH YES! Sometimes I am too lazy for my own good.
I have great ideas (at least I think so) and they can be very ambitious at times. I am hard working as well. I will work hard and smart and will try to get something done.
Now, when these two meet, my lazy side wins. (Almost all the time)
That’s not great. I used to go through a lot of guilt because of that. I would feel bad that instead of working on my ‘amazing’ ideas, I just to lie on my bed and binge watch stuff (oh we will talk about that some other day, we just have to). I do not feel as guilty anymore. I mean ‘meh’ the world isn’t really missing out on much!
Today was one of those days. I woke up feeling great. I was ready to go out there (not literally, I was in my room most of the time, and before anyone says anything I work from home so I do not really need to leave my room much) and win the world.
The day even started off well. Wrote a lot. Working on a personal project and it is a lot of writing. I was feeling like “this is it man, today is my day”.
Then lunch happened. Mom had made ‘Posto Maach’. It translates to Fish cooked with poppy seeds. Yup, poppy seeds. Bengalis eat that a lot. And, it makes one sleepy. Sometimes super sleepy.
So, obviously being a good ‘bangali’ I decided to take a nap. The nap was supposed to be for an hour. Just an hour. Honestly I could have just walked it off but I decided that a nap would make more sense. Oh, so naive of me!
I wake up 4 hours later, frantically trying to remember where I am and what time it is. I had the most realistic and weirdest dreams ever. Half of the time I kept thinking I forgot to finish my work (no I haven’t). It was just plain weird.
Anyway, I wake up and realise I have lost the time I had allocated for my personal project. Bummer.
Anyway, the point is this is not the first time it has happened. I mean okay I can say today was due to ‘em poppy seeds. But, sometimes I just sit and stare, and do nothing.
I almost always have plans chalked out. I love to plan and have to-do lists. I love to chalk out the different steps. I love to do my research and make sure I am ready to go when the time comes. But nope, when the time does come, I sit there and stare.I have had ideas for years that I have all the steps ready for but have done nothing with them.
Why? Why why why? I mean planning or the work is work as well. Maybe my brain thinks “oh you have worked so much, now chill.” Maybe that’s the problem. Sigh!
I know I am not the only one who does that and that this is quite common. But, my ambitious side with the 100001 ideas gets very annoyed with the lazy one. I try to stay neutral. I mean I want to work on amazing things and also do nothing at all.
That’s what my grandmother used to tell me all the time. She thought putting oil helps regulate the body temperature, keeps one calm and make one super intelligent.
Well, I am not so sure oils can be that miraculous but it does help the hair become soft. Today I had a home spa day. I oiled my hair with my mom’s magic oil (remind me to get the recipe, it’s amazing, I see tiny hairlings popping up where once was a tiny bald patch), gave myself a manicure and even put on a face mask.
Self-care is so important. I never realised that until I started doing that regularly last year. I mean when I was much younger I used to take a care of myself a lot more, but mostly because my grandmother would make me. But, I fell out of habit. Mostly because I had this weird thought in my head that people who take of self are somehow “hoity-toity”. I do not know even know where I got that thought from, but there it was planted deep in my being that taking care of the self, especially in the form of hair spas and face masks is somehow bad.
It was in 2018, a colleague of mine made me see the light. She made me understand how important it is to take care of the skin especially once you are nearing your 30s or on the other side of it. She made me see that it is not a selfish act but can be a beautiful routine that can only take a few minutes in the day and not only does your skin feel great as a result but you also get some much needed ‘me’ time.
I often thank her for putting this beautiful idea in my head. I love my face masks and skincare products. I used to feel guilty spending on any of it before. I have no idea why. I used to feel it was a waste of money or somehow I am being selfish. A sense of guilt would always creep up as if I am doing something wrong.
Yes, some of the products I now use are on the pricier side but I love each one of them. No, I do not have a 13 step routine. It’s simple and it’s very me.
The strangest thing is I realised my mother had the same thoughts as me. She would put whatever cream (some not even face cream) she found laying around. Only if all the stray ones are over, she would go and buy something new, something meant for her. She would usually go for baby cream, I always found that so adorable. I once asked her the reason and she said she feels her skin is sensitive and she knows baby creams aren’t harsh. So, by her logic that was all she needed. I also realised though she barely had any wrinkles and had moderately clear skin (she is 61 mind you) her skin was always dry and sometimes flaky.
She did moisturise every day but not with what she needed. Having realised that she most probably has been using the wrong products for her skin type, I decided to take the matter in own my hands. I started buying the skin care products that were meant only for her. But, she would refuse, saying she feels guilty that she is wasting my money.
Like mother, like daughter, eh?
Well, I am happy to report both of us now love our daily routines and have healthy skin.
Why do we have to feel guilty when all we want to do is take care of ourselves? If we live within our means, why can self-care be not part of our daily life?
So, many questions…so little time.
I didn’t mean to. I just did. I also forgot I was supposed to meet a friend of mine. Luckily she came to my house for lunch or that could have been bad.
The day was quite nice. I think I talked a lot today to a lot of people. I have been buzzing with too many thoughts lately. I really need to put those down somewhere.
I have been thinking a lot about the story I am trying to write. It is not really a secret that I won’t share it here, it’s just I am not sure what the end result looks like.
I am hoping tomorrow I am able to put my thoughts together.
Does that happen to you sometimes, when you know what the bigger picture is and the smaller details yet somehow feel everything is jumbled up and disorganised?
I feel like I am being an oxymoron right now. Well, that is a good note to sleep on, maybe that will help me detangle these knots.
A new day, a new month, a new year and a new decade. Now, that’s a lot of ‘new’s. Am I new?
Well, aren’t we all a little newer every single passing moment? Who I was a moment ago isn’t me anymore. Too philosophical? Yeah, I think so too.
Anyway, I have no new resolutions. I do not think you need a specific day or date or time to start something. I used to think so. I used to wait for that magical day when the clock “will strike 12 and suddenly a new me will be born”. That never happened, so now I believe the magic is within us, we can turn a in to a “new me” whenever we want to.
In 2019, I started a slow but steady journey towards getting fit and I am continuing that journey. It doesn’t end with me losing “a bunch of weight”. This is a continuous journey and I have to keep at it.
I have a few personal projects I want to work on in 2020. I hope to make those happen and not give up as I do with many things.
I do not have any specific wish for 2020. I am happy to be alive and well for another day.
A very close friend of mine is going back to his country and I cannot be happier or sadder.
I feel this pang of sadness because I will not be able to meet him at will, but I am excited for him. I know great things await him, I definitely hope so.
I still remember the first time I met him. It was funny and I would never have imagined him to become such a close friend of mine.
I have very few good friends in my life and I hope he remains one forever!
Goodbyes seem to have become a common occurrence in my life, but this is not a goodbye to our friendship.
Here is wishing him a great journey, an amazing and succesful life!
Today was a good day otherwise, met him and a few other friends for a small farewell party and I got to try my first Shabu Shabu. It was amazing!
Went for a very long walk. I am loving my 10k steps a day but my body wasn't ready for this long a walk, but I am always up for a challenge.
Anyway, right now feeling so tired, so adios.
Tata!
Today was one of the dullest ever!
I woke up, I studied, I took a mock test for GMAT, I went for a walk, I ate in between and then I fell asleep.
The only exciting thing was when I spent close to 3 hours of Buzzfeed watching videos by Andrew! I youtube stalked him and his videos!
Oh lord!
Tata!
Depressed yet happy!
Overwhelmed yet planned.
Confident yet in doubt!
What is to happen next?
I know but don't know!
Brain in overdrive.
Thoughts galore!
Patient. But crowded with impatience.
Tata!
