love

2020 Chapter I Section 27

My sister.

She is the older one and she is pretty cool. I consider her to be my best friend. She is my closest confidant and I know no matter what she will always have my back.

It was definitely not like that when we were children. At times I was sure I would end up killing her and have my face on the front page of the newspaper the next day with some weird headline like “Sister kills sister for a toy/piece of fruit/who gets more time with the grandmother”.

Our fights were so random and a little inspired by the WWF. Yes, we used to watch grown humans fight and think that’s a cool way to show anger/annoyance! We do not do that now. At all.

I was a skinny child and it was very easy for my strong sister to simply pick me up and toss me to the other side of a room like I was a ball of tissues. (She has always been freakily strong; she still is.) And, yes that has happened many times as much as my sister would like to deny that. Luckily none of them were physically or emotionally damaging for either of us. There was a sense of fun and bonding hidden under the layers of anger, stupidity, and childishness.

We were almost always the polar opposite in almost everything. I liked sports and to read and, she liked to, honestly I don’t remember much of what she liked as a child. I now know her well. We still are very different from each other but we have learned to adjust and adapt to each other.

Though we were not close we always had this bond where we knew to share our secrets with each other. I never could understand why we did that. We just trusted each other. We have always shared the darkest and deepest thoughts with each other and we just knew they were always going to be safe.

I think I can actually pinpoint that specific day/moment when I just knew how close I was to my sister.

We both were extremely close to our paternal grandmother. When I was 16 and my sister was 18, “Thamma” passed away. This was a huge shock for both of us. I think we dealt with that in our own ways. After about 2 years or so had passed since her passing away, one evening I suddenly felt like crying and I kept crying. I didn’t know why. It was rather late at night. I went to my sister’s room expecting she must have fallen asleep. But she was, sitting in one corner crying her heart out. It was as if we both realised at the same time what had happened. It just took us a few years to get there. I do not know if she remembers this specific night. But, it’s etched in my memory forever.

I knew then and there I definitely do not want to kill my sister (what a relief) and that she and I are meant to stick by each other forever.

We have both matured and grown so much in the last decade, a lot more than we both had hoped to. But, here we are. 2020 is our year, right didi?

Today is her day. It is her birthday. I wanted to let the world know (or the 30 odd people who will actually read this) how much I respect and love my sister. Professionally she inspires and challenges me and almost everyone she comes in contact with.

She is a really good listener and will patiently listen to you babble for hours. But, beware her favourite response is “Hmmm”. She is not being disrespectful, you just have to learn the “many depths and meanings of the hmmms”. Each has a different feeling attached to it. (I will soon release a guide book for those who would like to know more.)

She is extremely talented and maybe I am biased but I think she might be a genius as well.

I love the fact that recently she has been able to come out of her cocoon a lot more and now the world gets small glimpses of the sweet craziness that makes her unique. I am so happy that she is surrounded by people who love, respect and take care of her. Because she does the same for others.

She is the kind of person who will sacrifice for you without you ever knowing about it. If she sees someone needs something from her and she is able to get that done, she will just get that done, without question or asking for anything in return.

I had so much more I wanted to write but for today I think I will just say one thing. Since we were kids and even now, many people compare us because we are sister and it seems that’s a thing that people do. I have been told by many that my sister is better at many things etc etc. These kinds of remarks/observations never make me feel bad or sad or jealous or envious (apparently one is supposed to feel at least one of them, is what I am told). On the contrary, I feel so proud. She makes me proud all the time.

I wish that in this new year of your life, you get to fulfill all that you have set your mind to (I know you will anyway, see you at the finish line). You have taught me being ambitious isn’t a bad thing. You have taught me to always learn, re-learn and teach others what you learn, because even in teaching there is learning. You have taught me it’s never late to start anything or to believe in oneself.

You are a good sister but I think everyone who knows you can agree with me, you are a good human being.

Happy Birthday!

2018 Chapter I Section 7

A little late but still a start

The first Sunday of 2018! So, I took a bit of time off writing in the latter half of last year and also in the first few days of this one. And, it was worth it. I have a lot going on and yet I feel like I am standing still. I am looking for work, trying to further my studies (I am thinking about a second Masters and trying for it) and definitely making sure I am healthier than before. It has been a struggle sometimes to lose weight and eat right. When things don't go well I always depend on food to make me feel better. I want to change that. I want to be my own support system. 

I have been trying a new way of eating: Ketogenic diet. I know there is a lot of controversies around it and initially, I was very apprehensive about it. I have to say till now it has been the most successful way of eating for me. I am less hungry and more focused. I have been able to finally go under 179 lbs in 3 years and stay there. I have had my own bit of struggle with it, but I am back at it strong. One of the things I do not like about this way of eating is that I end up eating a lot of meat and dairy products. But, slowly and steadily I have been switching over to the plant-based alternatives. One of my goals in 2018 is to eat more plant-based foods. This is not only for health reasons but I want to leave less of a bad carbon footprint. 

I have also started Intermittent Fasting. It was a struggle, a true struggle but with time I have realized because of IF I eat less junk food now. I am more aware of what I am putting in my mouth and when. Earlier I had a habit of eating chips and chocolates at 1 or 2 in the morning. But, because of the specific times, I can eat, I eat better and get the right calories in. 

I tried different forms of exercise last year; from interval training to running to swimming but I couldn't sustain any of them, and I realized because I never addressed my back issues or other health issues. And, though I would start strong with my exercises, I would inevitably fall sick. This year my plan is to start slow and maintain. Thanks to my chiropractor my back pain is minimal and I sleep better. I want to start slow with walking. I also realized I love to dance and music always makes me happy. So, I have decided to dance for 10 mins every morning right after I wake up. I have done it for a few days and that has been a good experiment. I end up happier throughout the day.

So, basically this year I will continue to improve upon all the healthy habits and knowledge I started and accumulated last year! 

Last year was good. It definitely did not go as planned and that is fine. I met some exceptional people from all over the world. And, I cannot be more thankful. This has been one of the most eye-opening experiences in my life. Seeing the same things from a different perspective can be such a revelation.

I have realized my worth and I have realized I do not need to feel worthy through other's words. My actions speak for them. I have cut off a few people from my life, people who at one point in my life made sense, made me happy but I feel their presence in my life now is more harmful. 

This is a big year for me as I turn 30 and I have a short bucket list, that I want to go through (I will try putting some of them in this blog, some are too private for me to share here, though I am pretty sure I am the only one who reads my blog).

In general, I want to be happy this year and make sure I make others happy. I do not know where I will be at the end of the year. I do not know if I will be able to do all that I want to. I do not know if I will be successful in my endeavors but I know at every single moment I can choose happiness and that is exactly what I wish to do. 

I also want to be a lot more mindful of others and the world in general. I want to give as much as possible for me at the moment and I want to be aware of my surroundings. I am slowly switching to a more minimalistic approach to life, I have started having more plant-based foods and switching to products which are homemade and more natural. I know I cannot go cold turkey overnight but I can choose to keep making these small changes this year. 

A few goals I have for myself this year: 

  • Lose the excess weight I have been carrying around for a while now. It's time to treat my body with more respect and give it the right nutrients. 
  • Read more and read things out of my comfort zone. Goal is to read 52 books this year. 
  • Meet more people. Be more social. 
  • Help out more, in whatever small way I can. 
  • Write every single day (yes, I know I have missed the first 6 days already, but hey at least I started). I want to make this a memoir that I can go back to and read and be reminded of who I am, it seems sometimes I forget that. Also, I will be tracking a lot of my food and exercise and reading habits through this. I want to make it like my own one-stop shop diary.
  • Slowly change food habits to more plant-based. 
  • Be more environmentally aware. 
  • Learn more. Be it from books, online, from people, from college. I want to increase my knowledge. 
  • Learn a new language (I am currently trying to learn Spanish). 
  • Be Happy. There are too many reasons to become sad, angry, frustrated with life, others, the world, with yourself. But, I can choose happiness over everything else and that is what I want to do more. Everything on this list are just meant to make sure I achieve this last goal. I want to be happy and try and spread that happiness to others. 

Here is to you 2018, I am Ready for you! 

Let's do this! :) 

Tata!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 
    • Cals Out: 1838
    • Steps: 13,823
    • Miles: 5.45
    • Dance: 60 mins
    • Others: 0mins
  • Food: 
    • Breakfast: Fried Eggs (2), Sausage, 
    • Lunch: Roasted Chicken Thigh with Salad.  
    • Snack: String Cheese, Raspberries, Home Made Chocolate
    • Dinner: Ground Beef low carb taco.  
  • Eating: Keto
    • Cals In: 1515
    • Fat: 136 g (80%)
    • Protein: 61 g (16%)
    • Net Carbs: 17 g (4%)
  • Sleep: 5 hrs
  • Study: It's Sunday man! 
  • Read: The Hate U Give (1/52)
  • Feeling: Feeling ready, bring it on, 2018! 

2017 Chapter III Section 8

Here we go

The first leg of the journey starts today.

I have a lot to do, 

A very long way to go. 

 

Be with me Thamma, (Dadu, Dimma too)

You are my God, Goddess and all! 

With your strength and the love from others, 

I know I will succeed. 

 

I need to win this one, 

Not only for me. 

But, for all those, I want to fight for. 

 

Give me a chance to get my voice, 

So, I can shout for others.

 

May your love, blessings and prayers, 

Make me the Human I wish to be! 

Tata! 

[Note: I am currently flying across the world.]

 

2017 Chapter II Section 2

A Very Happy Birthday

When I first saw you, 

You were a little baby, 

Now, look at you, 

You are a grown lady. 

 

You have your own thoughts, 

And, you own desires, 

You will soon be breaking a lot of hearts, 

And, putting out fires. 

 

I cannot wish for much, 

But, I only wish for this, 

That may you always be happy, lucky, 

And, live a life of Bliss! 

 

Happy Birthday little sister. May God Bless you with good health, good sense and good luck! :) 

[Today is my cousin sister's birthday! She turned 18 today. When I first saw her, I was 11! Oh man, how time flies!]


TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 2777 steps
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None (Woke up late, still haven't been to fix my sleep pattern)
    • Lunch: Kichuri, Koraishutir Kochuri, Aloor Dum, Beguni
    • Snack: Narkeli Kul, Orange
    • Dinner: Fried Rice, Cholar Dal, Alu Bhaja, Palak Paneer, Chicken Curry [Cousin's birthday special]
  • Study: Stanford
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Productive

2017 Chapter II Section 1

I Am Privileged

No, I am not Rich, 

Neither, do I live in a Castle.

I don't use a Golden Spoon,

Nor, do I have People at my beck and call. 

Yet, I am Privileged!


I am a Woman, 

I am Queer.

I have fewer Rights than many,

Yet, I am Privileged!


I work Hard for everything I want,

I have Struggles, 

And, they are quite Real,

Things Don't go my way most of the time. 

Yet, I am Privileged!


I have a Roof over my head, 

A loving Family, 

Loyal Friends, 

Food Galore!


I don't need to Worry about things I Need. 

I am Educated, 

I am Independent.

I have a Mind,

I have a Heart, 

I have a Voice.

Yes, I am Privileged! 

 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:  

  • Exercise: 3187 steps  
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None
    • Lunch: Kichuri, Beguni
    • Snack: Sweet corn Chicken soup, Orange, Jamrul
    • Dinner: Korashutir Kochuri, Aloor Dum, Cholar Dal (Swaraswati Puja special) 
  • Study: None, Rumour is you don't study on this day! :P
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Better, happier. Went out and ate good food. 

2017 Chapter I Section 31

One Habit, Two Habit & Three: First Month of Blogging! 

I have always loved to write. I find it being the best way to express myself. I am sadly not the most skilled at it, but I try. 

One of the things, I wanted to do this year was to read and write more. I do read a lot in general, be it articles, blogs, new papers or something very general. I read books too. I used to read a lot more, but I still try to finish a book every few weeks. I want to increase those numbers, though. 

But, writing was something I was not doing at all. Maybe it's something I like to believe in, or maybe there might be some real truth to it, but I feel when I write more, I am more aware and feel smarter. 

I do not know if that makes sense or not but when I write I feel like my brain opens up, I can feel my pupils dilating as if it is ready to absorb more from the universe than it normally does. I do not exactly know how to convey it to you, but I just feel more alive. 

I have always loved writing. I do not like to talk much. I mean to most people. I have my selected bunch of people I would like to have a phone or one on one conversation with and with the rest I would rather message or chat. 

I sometimes feel quite lucky that I live in the technological era that I do because emailing and messaging systems have made this anxiety-driven person a lot more social than she could have hoped to be. 

So, basically, I am saying that writing is my outlet for my thoughts. Everyone needs an outlet, and this is mine. I do not like to divulge much of my life to others. But, through writing, I feel I get the feeling of sharing and so the need to reveal my secrets also go away. 

When I was young, I used to write in my diary, but since I have developed Fibromyalgia, the task of physically writing has been quite difficult. I do send occasional emails to the self, but in general, I haven't really 'talked to myself' in a long while. (I do believe we should all have more conversations with the self so we can learn to filter a few unnecessary things we say aloud to others.)

This New Years when everyone was busy with their celebrations and resolutions, I decided I have to promise to talk to me more or at least to express my thoughts more. Now, my outlets are few and most I do not like. Also, I wanted to hold myself accountable and what's a better way than to write on a social platform.

I know hardly anyone reads my blog, but the fact that I have convinced my brain that every day I need to write about something or the other, that I need to think more, has led me to do that exact thing. 

I honestly have enjoyed writing every day this month, and this has become sort of a habit now. Barring the few days when I was very sick, I have made it a point to take some time off each day from everything, sit down and write. 

I am happy I have been able to write almost every day of the month. I have noticed because writing has become such a habit; it has started affecting my other habits too. I love to follow my routine of exercises, food, reading, and studying. 

I know for a while I was not well enough to do any of it. And, knowing my health issues, there might be more days like that. But, I have noticed a positive change in my mindset. I now feel bad when I miss out something. And, instead of dismissing it or finding excuses for missing out on something I want to do. I just simply find a way to make sure I do it or at least find an alternative. 

I am positive that one good habit can permeate to create other good ones. I look forward to them, and I look forward to writing what's on my mind every single day this year! 

Thank you, stranger, for reading! :) 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 1944 steps 
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None (Woke up late, still haven't been to fix my sleep pattern)
    • Lunch: Rice, Rajma, Cauliflower and Potato Curry
    • Snack: French Toast
    • Dinner: Soup
  • Study: Stanford
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Happy! Tonsils hurt but rest seem to be working. 

2017 Chapter I Section 29

A Loving Letter

Dear Arunima's Health, 

I hope this letter finds you better than usual!

You have been missing in action for a bit now, and Arunima is getting a bit worried. To be honest, so am I!

She would have personally written to you, but currently, she is lying on the bed with blocked nose and swollen tonsils. She has a bit of a fever too. (I have allowed her to watch some Anime to relax her. She is watching a new series called ReLife, it's rather interesting.)

She misses you terribly. She really does love you, and none of it is fake. 

She remembers the good times and the bad, but you have never been gone for this long. Okay, maybe a few times in 2011 and once when her ligament tore in 2014 (Okay, you have run away enough times in her life, but who is keeping a count of it). But, you have stood by her (well, more or less) since her birth. 

She feels terrible that she sometimes ignores you and does more harm to you than she means to, but she is a bit stupid. You should know by now that she doesn't understand what is good for her and what is not. 

You know her heart is in the right place. It really is! 

She even started walking regularly and eating right. She does care about you, but the thing is she loves Food too. I am not saying what she does is right. Of course not. I know her actions cannot be condoned. I have told her many times not to get swayed away so easily. 

She really can't help it sometimes. She feels extremely sorry for what she has done to you. 

She promises to be better. She will not hangout with the Fried Food Gang or the Junk Food Group. She will try for sure. I can assure you that she will. I will make her. 

She promises to take better care of you, but you also have to show your support. You cannot keep running away every time you feel a little down. You need to help her. 

You give her so much pain all the time, be it her shoulders or the right hand. Hasn't she accepted that? I know she was initially so angry with you, but look at her now, hasn't she come around to that? 

You have to come back. She has missed over ten days of exercise and studies. This is not good for her, or even you. The more she misses you, the more tensed she gets, the more you feel like running away. It's a vicious cycle, and we have to break it. 

I know if you, she and I sit down and talk this out, things can get better. We are meant to be together forever (or well till she is alive)! 

Now, come back! Please! I also miss you! 

Your's Lovingly, 

Arunima's Brain. 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: None. 
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None
    • Lunch: Homemade Soup
    • Snack: Homemade Soup
    • Dinner: Homemade Chicken and Fried Rice
  • Study: None
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Better but felt weak so took rest today. Hopefully, today is the last day.

2017 Chapter I Section 18

The Diary

[Story Time! Partly based on a true story.]

It is 10 in the morning. Naaz is frantically searching for something under her bed. Her room looks like it has suffered a storm. 

She struggles as she tries hard to pull something out. It seems stuck, but Naaz is not ready to give up easily. She struggles but keeps up the fight. 

Her phone lays on top of her disheveled bed, constantly illuminating as different numbers keep calling and messaging her. Naaz seems not to notice at all. 

After about 10 or 15 minutes, Naaz finally succeeds in pulling the diary out. She is completely breathless. Her face looks tired. It seems like she is both dreading and excited about what is in that diary. 

The contents of the diary is nothing out of the ordinary. It looks like one of those farewell diaries school children use to write goodbye notes to each other at the end of an academic year. 

It reads; "Will miss you, stay the same." "Stay cool now that school
is over." 

Naaz is frantically turning the pages. She looks like she is on a mission to find a particular message. 

Her hands stop at a particular page. Her eyes seem transfixed. Her face is slowly turning pale. 

Big drops of tears now slowly start rolling down her face. She doesn't even try to wipe them off. She hugs the diary and keeps weeping. 

There is a picture of two young girls. One looks like a much younger Naaz, and the other is her friend. They look like they are half hugging and half laughing. There is a message on the other side, "You are and will be the closest to my heart, for now, and forever - Koni."

Naaz softly touches the picture and buries her head in her bent knees, still tightly clutching the diary. 

It looks like it is the middle of recess. Young girls of 14 years are running around the big play yard. Some are seating enjoying their lunch, some chatting. 

At one end of the ground, we see a younger Naaz lying down on the ground. Her head is on her friend's lap. 

Nazz is looking up at her and smiling as the other girl is animatedly talking about something. Naaz seems mesmerised by her. 

"Are you getting bored?" asked the girl. 

"I can never be bored by you, Koni."

"You are so silly Naaz, of course, I can be boring."

Naaz hurriedly gets up and sits down to face Koni. She holds Koni's hands and looks directly into her eyes, "Koni, you can never be boring to me. You can always tell me anything and everything, okay?"

Koni looks surprised but immediately starts laughing as if Naaz had said something very amusing. She hugs her tightly and then continues her story. 

There is a sudden knock on the door. The 23-year-old, Naaz is rudely awakened from her reverie. Her eyes are bloodshot. 

In a feeble voice she asks, "What do you want?"

"Naaz, beta open the door, your friends are here. They are waiting for you. The funeral is..." the voice stops. 

"Beta, please open the door."

"Naaz, we are here to take you, open the door, man." says another voice. 


"Trust me, I know what you must be feeling, but we have to go. You know you know, that, Koni would have wanted you to be there..." her voice trails off. 

"Koni, why, Koni, why?" Naaz says quietly to herself in a muffled voice. 

"Naaz, beta, please."

"Fine, give me a few minutes, I will just come down."

Naaz slowly starts getting up. Her entire body feels weak and heavy. Her heart feels heavier.

"Koni, why couldn't you just talk to me once? Just once, Koni. Like we used to as kids. Why...?" 

She absent-mindedly picks up her phone. 

'38 missed calls, 47 unread messages.'

Most of them had similar messages, "Where are you? Pick up the call." "This is urgent."

She keeps scrolling through the messages as she walks towards the door. 

She quietly opens the door. 

Her mother and her two friends are standing on the other side. Her mother looks worried, and the friends look like they have also been crying. 

Naaz is still scrolling through her messages when she abruptly stops. 

The phone falls from her hand, and she drops to the floor; this time howling. 

"Koni you promised, 'for now and forever', Koni, you promised."

Everyone runs to grab her. 

There is an opened message on the phone. 

"Pick up the call Naaz. Koni is no more. She killed herself. We do not know why. We need to go to her house. I am coming to pick you up. Piu is also coming with me. Naaz, please pick up the phone."

THE END!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 7797 Steps
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: Oats pancake
    • Lunch: Rice, Dal, Veggies, Fish
    • Snack: Batter-fried chicken
    • Dinner: Salas
  • Study: Half a Module (Stanford)
  • Read: Three chapters from Clash of Kings
  • Feeling: All good except my nose has been getting very dry due to the cold weather and it has been bleeding while sneezing sometimes. Nothing serious.

 

 

 

2017 Chapter I Section 16

Dear Thamma (grandmother)

Today I was missing my grandmother a lot. I was feeling rather lost. When I was younger, I would go to her whenever I felt lost. 

She was the first teacher, friend, guide I had. She was my living God. She is still my God. I was feeling very helpless today, and I wanted to have one of our long conversations after which I somehow always knew what to do. I had written the following poem a few years back as a tribute to my grandmother; I felt like those words still capture how I feel today. So, I am re-sharing it today. 

I miss you 'Thamma'. I hope you are happy. Sometimes I feel you are too far away but then the next moment I feel like you are right here, beside me. Help me stay strong, stay kind and stay safe! 

Bhalo theko! 

 

Good Bye

The last I saw you,

You looked so peaceful.

I did not know how to wake you up.

 But now I wish I had.

At least I could have bid you goodbye.


It has been long, almost too long.

Since you stroked my hair, smiled and told me stories, of demons and fairies.


I do not know, how to tell you...

...that I Miss You! 

I miss you every waking moment.

I miss you even when I do not miss you; I miss you even when I do not wish to.


How is it that you always knew what to say, to make me feel special? 

How is it that you always knew what to do, to make me feel wanted?


I know you had to leave, we all have to leave one day.

But so soon? 

Was it not part of our pact, that you would stay till I am here?

I have so much to say, so much to write.

But eternity seems such a short span of time.

For me to tell you, 

How much I love you...How much I will always miss you!

 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 2700 steps
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None.
    • Lunch: Leftover Biriyani and Chicken. 
    • Snack: Pizza! 
    • Dinner: Pasta
  • Study: None
  • Read: None.
  • Feeling: Horrible day. A friend of mine ran away from home and others, and I spent a chunk of the night and day finding her and then counseling her!!!

2017 Chapter I Section 14

A Relaxed Day

 

A patch of Sunlight, 

A cup of hot coffee, 

An unread book, 

World switched off.

 

Worries are forgotten, 

The world is at bay, 

Cares are kept for a later date. 

Today I rejoice, 

In doing nothing, 

And, enjoying a relaxed day. 

 

Miles to walk, 

Pages to fill, 

Duties abound, 

But, all I want, 

Is a moment alone, 

To enjoy the Nature around. 

 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 10,199 steps
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: Rice, dal, Cauliflower & Potato curry 
    • Lunch: Rice, dal, Cauliflower & Potato curry
    • Snack: Snickers
    • Dinner: Pasta 
  • Study: None, a day off  
  • Read: A Clash of Kings
  • Feeling: Relaxed