2018 Chapter I Section 12

Mental Breakdown

I do not know what happened. I had hardly slept and I kept feeling so overwhelmed; like I have so much to do but so little time. 

I studied as usual and actually was making progress. I even went out with my friends for dinner. 

I came home and just broke down. I cried my heart out. I could feel my heart. 

I feel like I will disappoint everyone. I am not sure who this 'everyone' is. 

I called my mom and cried for what felt like an eternity. Funny, how I talked about how I feel like I am going backward in life. I feel like I am still where I was in 2014. I realized I have never really been in a serious relationship; ever. I do not even remember when I last dated. I have been rejected quite a few times recently, so that's happening. Healthwise also, I feel like I am stuck. 

Now, I know I am making the situation sound worse than it really is. But, I honestly feel like I am stuck in a loop. I know that because every year I say this exact thing; that I am stuck in a loop. 

For once, I want a normal boring life. I want to go to work at 9 and stay there until 5. Come back home to a loving dog! (I have given up on the concept of a love life, I suck at it so much that I finally have decided to give up. I am not so sure that there is 'the one' for me. And, I am okay with it. I hope dogs or cats don't feel that way though, or else I will be seriously sad!) Go out with friends in the weekend. Plan holidays. Simple stuff. I don't want a lot of money, enough to live by. 

I don't want to worry about what to do next all the time. I want to be happy with what I have. I know I am not really chasing wealth or fortune but I always get this feeling I am not doing enough, that I do not know enough; that I am not good enough. 

I don't even know what I am supposed to be good enough for, or for whom? 

I know I am not confused about what I want to do in life. But, now I doubt if I am just clueless about everything. 

I think with every step till now I had to take so many detours for so many varied reasons, that now I doubt I even know where I wanted to go and where I am. I can actually write a book about what I had planned for my life and where I am. I know everyone goes through life a lot like this. But, I kid you not every time I was sure this is the path to follow, I had to take a detour and ended up in a completely different place. I mean literally, I ended up in a different country than I had intended to. 

I know that a lot of what has happened in life wasn't really my fault (by the way I have lived a very nice life till now, please do not take this as me complaining, I am more than lucky and privileged to have lived a comfortable and safe life, I merely contemplating about why I feel the way I do), I feel my chronic illness derailing my career, my father falling sick the year I decided to study, visas (!!!); but sometimes I feel I could have done more. Or, maybe I need to start accepting that sometimes one cannot do more. 

Well, I do not think my thoughts will go away anytime soon. I feel like I expect a lot more from myself. And, the circumstances around me do not help that. 

Like, for example, currently I am jobless. I have applied to more than 300 companies, maybe more. Most I feel haven't even seen my application. Out of the ones who did interview me many have rejected me; almost all stating that it is because I need a work sponsorship in future (I do not blame them, I guess I would have done the same if I were in their position) and the rest did not bother replying. I know that maybe because of work visa or current circumstance I am not getting an offer, but deep down somewhere I fear it is because I am not good enough. Maybe if I studied more or worked more. So, see even if a situation is not in my hands, I feel like it's all my fault! 

I don't know...I mean really I don't know. I don't know what is going to happen next or what I am supposed to do. 

I am just doing what I feel I should do. I am currently applying to colleges because I feel maybe my education is not enough. I am studying subjects I always hated because I feel if I do maybe then I can get a good enough job.

I feel like I know what I am doing with my life, but I am evidently completely clueless. 

I have always been filled with contradictions but now I feel that's who I have become. I sometimes feel like I am talented, knowledgeable, smart, hardworking and in the next minute, I feel like I couldn't have been more wrong. 

I know that I love to study and I know I want to keep studying but then I feel maybe I do that because I never feel smart enough. 

I know one thing for sure and, I am sure you must have picked up on it, if you have been reading closely (I do not know why you would, I mean, seriously, why!)  I think a lot. I mean really, my brain can think a bit more than it should. 

Anyway, I feel exhausted with thoughts. Maybe I will continue tomorrow. 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 
  • Cals Out: 1645
  • Steps: N/A
  • Miles: N/A
  • Dance: 0 mins
  • Others: 90 mins
• Food: 
  • Breakfast: MCT oil, Cacao Powder, Stevia, Walnut Milk 
  • Lunch: Sausage, Eggs, Heavy Cream, Bacon  
  • Snack: Blackberries, Strawberries, Green Tea with ACV
  • Dinner: Bacon, Eggs, Meatballs 
• Eating: Keto
  • Cals In: 1415 
  • Fat: 128 g
  • Protein: 54 g
  • Net Carbs: 16 g
  • Intermittent Fasting: 14 Hrs
• Sleep: 2:10 Hrs
• Language progress: Spanish (stuck at 25% on Duolingo). Didn't do anything.  
• Study: !!!!
• Read: The Hate U Give (1/52) (I haven't touched this book since I started reading)
• Feeling: !!!!

2018 Chapter I Section 7

A little late but still a start

The first Sunday of 2018! So, I took a bit of time off writing in the latter half of last year and also in the first few days of this one. And, it was worth it. I have a lot going on and yet I feel like I am standing still. I am looking for work, trying to further my studies (I am thinking about a second Masters and trying for it) and definitely making sure I am healthier than before. It has been a struggle sometimes to lose weight and eat right. When things don't go well I always depend on food to make me feel better. I want to change that. I want to be my own support system. 

I have been trying a new way of eating: Ketogenic diet. I know there is a lot of controversies around it and initially, I was very apprehensive about it. I have to say till now it has been the most successful way of eating for me. I am less hungry and more focused. I have been able to finally go under 179 lbs in 3 years and stay there. I have had my own bit of struggle with it, but I am back at it strong. One of the things I do not like about this way of eating is that I end up eating a lot of meat and dairy products. But, slowly and steadily I have been switching over to the plant-based alternatives. One of my goals in 2018 is to eat more plant-based foods. This is not only for health reasons but I want to leave less of a bad carbon footprint. 

I have also started Intermittent Fasting. It was a struggle, a true struggle but with time I have realized because of IF I eat less junk food now. I am more aware of what I am putting in my mouth and when. Earlier I had a habit of eating chips and chocolates at 1 or 2 in the morning. But, because of the specific times, I can eat, I eat better and get the right calories in. 

I tried different forms of exercise last year; from interval training to running to swimming but I couldn't sustain any of them, and I realized because I never addressed my back issues or other health issues. And, though I would start strong with my exercises, I would inevitably fall sick. This year my plan is to start slow and maintain. Thanks to my chiropractor my back pain is minimal and I sleep better. I want to start slow with walking. I also realized I love to dance and music always makes me happy. So, I have decided to dance for 10 mins every morning right after I wake up. I have done it for a few days and that has been a good experiment. I end up happier throughout the day.

So, basically this year I will continue to improve upon all the healthy habits and knowledge I started and accumulated last year! 

Last year was good. It definitely did not go as planned and that is fine. I met some exceptional people from all over the world. And, I cannot be more thankful. This has been one of the most eye-opening experiences in my life. Seeing the same things from a different perspective can be such a revelation.

I have realized my worth and I have realized I do not need to feel worthy through other's words. My actions speak for them. I have cut off a few people from my life, people who at one point in my life made sense, made me happy but I feel their presence in my life now is more harmful. 

This is a big year for me as I turn 30 and I have a short bucket list, that I want to go through (I will try putting some of them in this blog, some are too private for me to share here, though I am pretty sure I am the only one who reads my blog).

In general, I want to be happy this year and make sure I make others happy. I do not know where I will be at the end of the year. I do not know if I will be able to do all that I want to. I do not know if I will be successful in my endeavors but I know at every single moment I can choose happiness and that is exactly what I wish to do. 

I also want to be a lot more mindful of others and the world in general. I want to give as much as possible for me at the moment and I want to be aware of my surroundings. I am slowly switching to a more minimalistic approach to life, I have started having more plant-based foods and switching to products which are homemade and more natural. I know I cannot go cold turkey overnight but I can choose to keep making these small changes this year. 

A few goals I have for myself this year: 

• Lose the excess weight I have been carrying around for a while now. It's time to treat my body with more respect and give it the right nutrients. 
• Read more and read things out of my comfort zone. Goal is to read 52 books this year. 
• Meet more people. Be more social. 
• Help out more, in whatever small way I can. 
• Write every single day (yes, I know I have missed the first 6 days already, but hey at least I started). I want to make this a memoir that I can go back to and read and be reminded of who I am, it seems sometimes I forget that. Also, I will be tracking a lot of my food and exercise and reading habits through this. I want to make it like my own one-stop shop diary.
• Slowly change food habits to more plant-based. 
• Be more environmentally aware. 
• Learn more. Be it from books, online, from people, from college. I want to increase my knowledge. 
• Learn a new language (I am currently trying to learn Spanish). 
• Be Happy. There are too many reasons to become sad, angry, frustrated with life, others, the world, with yourself. But, I can choose happiness over everything else and that is what I want to do more. Everything on this list are just meant to make sure I achieve this last goal. I want to be happy and try and spread that happiness to others. 

Here is to you 2018, I am Ready for you! 

Let's do this! :) 

Tata!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 
  • Cals Out: 1838
  • Steps: 13,823
  • Miles: 5.45
  • Dance: 60 mins
  • Others: 0mins
• Food: 
  • Breakfast: Fried Eggs (2), Sausage, 
  • Lunch: Roasted Chicken Thigh with Salad.  
  • Snack: String Cheese, Raspberries, Home Made Chocolate
  • Dinner: Ground Beef low carb taco.  
• Eating: Keto
  • Cals In: 1515
  • Fat: 136 g (80%)
  • Protein: 61 g (16%)
  • Net Carbs: 17 g (4%)
• Sleep: 5 hrs
• Study: It's Sunday man! 
• Read: The Hate U Give (1/52)
• Feeling: Feeling ready, bring it on, 2018!