2021 Chapter XI Section 3

I went for a walk

I have been yo-yo-ing a lot with my weight. I lose a couple, I gain more back. I get into the zone and then suddenly there is no zone in sight. This has been happening for a couple of years now. I have tried a dietician, talked to a therapist, got a personal trainer, got fancy watches and shoes, and whatnot.

Every now and then I suddenly have a burst of energy and I am able to do what I plan to. I wake up early, go for that morning run, I work out 3-5 times a week, HIIT and what not. I even follow fun diets and not-so-fun ones. I try to be strict and lenient and everything in between. I reward myself or give myself those days off. But, work hard on the others.

Yet, it is November 2021 and I am 98.3kgs. Mind you I am barely 154 cms. So, yes I am not healthy right now. And, no I am not fat-shaming myself. I LOVE my body. I love the way I look and feel. But, I have developed a lot of health issues in the past few years which are directly related to my weight gain. I am pre-diabetic (it anyway runs in my family with a plethora of other things I am praying I do not ever get) and I am worried.

I was able to lose 30+ kgs of weight before and I know everything there is to lose it again. (both weight gain stories are for another day, focus man) I need to. I want to. But. But what is it? Why is it so difficult this time? Why am I struggling so much? Is the hormone medicines I am having that affect my mood, my weight, my almost everything? Is it 2020 and all its evil? (I know it’s gone but hey the after effects are still there.) Is it the fact that I am an emotional eater and I have too many emotions right now? What is it?

Honestly, I do not have an answer. I guess somewhere I know I may not find the answer. And, you know what, that is okay. I just need to forget the “should haves” and “could haves” and just start again. I will keep starting again as many times as I need to because I know deep down I am getting closer. This time actually might be it. Am I being delusional? Maybe. But, maybe this time is the one.

I am not chasing an unreasonable target or having an unattainable goal. I know myself well and my body and how much it is capable of. I just want to make sure it is not in pain and that every time I walk I do not break into a sweat and feel like this is it, my heart will give up on me this time. I do not want six pack abs or a beach body. I simply aspire to have a body that can function well.

Anyway, so all these thoughts have been whirling around in my head for a while. And, so on Monday 1st November 2021, I woke up at 5 in the morning and just went for a walk. It was a struggle, oh trust me, it was. And, then I went the next morning and the next. That’s all I want to do this time. Just wake up and do the things I feel like doing. For 7 days in a row I have been dancing for 15 - 20 minutes. Why? Because it makes me happy. I love to move my body like no one is watching.

Yes, I still have my trainer. My plan is to push him to push me to get uncomfortable (not too much, I mean, come on now) because when I get uncomfortable I fight back and I rise.

Food is my best friend and my worst enemy (so much I want to say here but that is for another day). I have decided to let food be for now. I try not to overindulge at every opportunity but also not deprive myself of small joys here and there.

This may just have been a rambling without an actual point, all I really wanted to say, I went for a walk and I loved it.

Current weight: 98.2 kgs

Current fitness level: -2

2020 Chapter I Section 7

I think about food. A lot.

Well, to be fair I am a Bengali human person. As the stereotype goes, we love to eat, think about what we eat and talk about what we eat. Food is a big part of our identity. At least I can say it is definitely part of mine. I am a foodie through and through. (My dream is to be able to travel as much as possible and experience local cuisines all over the world. I believe food says a lot about who we are.)

However, I had always had a love-hate relationship with food. That is, I love food but it doesn’t seem to love me back. There are so many things that I cannot eat without breaking into hives or falling sick. Why food why? Why do you not love me as I love thee?

And, of course, we have to talk about food and my weight. As a kid, I was extremely underweight. So, of course, everyone assumed I didn’t eat enough. Now, I am overweight so obviously I must be stuffing my face with ‘junk food’ all the time. That’s how it works, didn’t you know?

I will not lie, these weird assumptions and being told to either gain or lose weight affected me a lot. As if my identity relied on that one thing: Am I thin or fat? (I am happy to report I do not care about any of it anymore. My priority is to be healthy, fit and happy. Unless you are directly involved in enriching my life, your opinion matters to me, as much as the foods I am allergic to do; I will look at you, see you but instantly ignore you.)

I think the biggest culprits are our relatives. No matter if they are seeing me after a decade or for the first time since I was born, the first thing they would say “Ebaba ki mota hoe gachis? Ektu kom kha ar gym kor.” (“Oh my, look how fat you have gotten? Eat a little less and go to the gym.”)

Umm…how do these aunts and uncles always seem to know how much I am eating or if I go to the gym or not without actually being in my life? Wow, they must have the sixth sense that M. Night Shyamalan was talking about and something I do not possess. They see fat people and know exactly what they eat and how much activity they get.

I can actually talk about this for days, even months. But, the point is that these unwarranted comments affected me and I developed weird eating habits. I like many others, villanised food. I thought thinking about food means I have an addiction to food. For a while, I truly believed that I had an eating disorder. I even got professional help for it just to be told, “there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, don’t cut out the foods, cut out the toxic people from your life.”

Being a good patient, I followed my doctor’s orders and did as was I told. I am happy to report I am currently missing a few relatives and old friends from my life but I gained a true love and appreciation for food and all its beauty.

I will be honest, I am not a person who can go on ‘diets’. I cannot do ‘calorie deficit’ and all the jazzy things out there. I need to feel satisfied with what I am having.

The one thing I can do is follow easy and simple rules. If I am told not to do something, I can easily do that. It has taken me years but now I understand which foods make me happy and are also healthy for me. I cannot just eat to sustain, I need to love what I am eating. But, I also do not want to eat and make myself sick either

I like to think about what I eat, I like to meal prep and I love to cook. (It pays off that I am a decent cook, well I like my own food and for now that all that matters.) I love to learn about the ingredients I am using and I like to be aware of the foods I am putting in my body.

I have noticed I love to plan out what I will eat in a day before the day starts. I do not always follow them perfectly but it helps me to make sure I am getting enough nutrients and also get to eat what I want to.

Maybe to some, it seems restrictive and to others it is discipline. I just know it helps me to enjoy my food.

P.S. I have so many more things I want to talk about, on the topic of food, maybe I will do so in the coming days. As I said I do think about food a lot and the impact it has on me, my health and even the world, because of course what we eat does affect everything around us as well. But, maybe that’s a topic for another day.

2017 Chapter III Section 21

Meal Prep & More

Hello hello, it's been a while since I have written properly. I will take the time one day to edit in everything in the previous blogs. I kept writing a log of everything so I could write but every day at the end of the day I would get super tired and not be able to write! :( 

I have been so tired since I got to Irvine. It's been almost a week and a half since I reached. And, every day it has been something or the other. 

Had to get the room set up, then bank account, this and that. Small and big things just kept adding up. (I will edit in every detail in the previous blogs.)

Most of the things are ready and done, and I am getting used to living here. Residing in a new place was a bit of a worry for me since I have a tendency of falling sick easily in a new setup. But, till now (fingers crossed) everything has gone smoothly. 

I have noticed my cough is gone. I was sure that it was the pollution back home that affected my cough. And, Irvine is super clean, so I think that has been good for me. 

The weather is a bit cooler here than I am used to, but it has been quite pleasant for me. I love my daily walks here! 

I have been eating right too. But, I wanted to do a proper meal plan, and today I spent almost 6 hours prepping for two week's worth of food! :)

I am feeling tired, but now I am so happy. Now, I have to follow it correctly and get healthier.

I also want to go back to properly writing every day.

One day at a time! I have a few plans I need to get my life on the right track and now to slowly execute them! 

Let's do this! :)

Tata! 

[P.S. Just realised it's raining outside and I love the smell of wet earth! :)]

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 6k Steps, Cooking all day (oh yeah it's a form of workout when you do it for 6 hours!)
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Cheerios, Vanilla Almond Milk
  • Lunch: One & half White Tortilla, Homemade Chicken curry, Egg Bhurji 
  • Snack: Blackberry, Mio Electrolyte, One piece of Brown Bread, Hazelnut spread 
  • Dinner: Brown Rice, Salad, Chole 
• Study: Stanford
• Read: None
• Feeling: Feeling inspired and motivated!

2017 Chapter III Section 3

Then & Now

[Today I am not doing the weigh-in as nothing has changed since last week as I was sick the whole week and I truly want to talk about what I have written below!]

As I pack my room and get ready to leave on a somewhat long journey, I keep finding my old pictures. I have never been comfortable in front of the camera as much as I am behind it. But, on these rare occasions, somehow I willingly stood in front of a camera and let someone take my picture. 

When I see my old pictures, somehow I see how much I have changed. I have evolved. Most of it is good, but there are things which I loved about the old me, which is slowly disappearing. 

Anyone who sees my old pictures would always point out how thin I was at that point. Earlier it used to bother me, but now I think I have grown a much thicker skin! (quite literally I feel)

When I look at these pictures, I see a more innocent me. I see how so many people so easily used my naivety. I have always been one of those 'helpful' people. I have on so many occasions, done things for others even when it hurt me or delayed my work. I used to do that even with no thanks in return and sometimes after I helped I would hear rumours about those very people talking bad behind my back. 

But, I have obviously learnt. 

One of the things I miss about old me is I used to be a less angry person. I am not sure if it is because of my current situation that has turned me into an old grinch or I am slowly turning into one. But, I do get angry quite quickly nowadays. And, I do not like it. 

I have always hated anger in general, and now I hate it that I do that.

I obviously miss the fact that I used to be quite slim. But, I am more confident in my being than I used to be. I might be the heaviest now, but I have the most confidence in me than ever before. 

I have realised my heart is still the same. I still feel the pains I used, and now I feel them even more as now I understand the truth behind those betrayals. 

I have always had a wall around me but now it is a lot more inviting yet a lot tougher to break (I do not know if it makes sense to you as it made to me). 

Let me try to explain: I do talk to more people and am in general less judgemental (I was very idealistic before), but I do not jump forward to help each and everyone as I used to before. I have become a little picky about whom I let into my heart completely.  

Anyway, I think I still have a lot more growing to do! And, am quite happy with the me that I have become. I just always hope to remember where I have come from and where I want to go! 

On that note, Tata!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Weight Training, Packing
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Macher Paturi, Rice, Aloo Gobi
  • Snack: Lactose-Free Milk, Coffee, Cupcake
  • Dinner: Luchi, Kosha Mangsho 
• Study: Stanford 
• Read: None
• Feeling: Nostalgic. 

2017 Chapter II Section 9

I Am a Good Girl

Today was my first day of '15 days of eating right and exercising'. I was a very good girl! 

I ate right, did my exercises but the only thing, though, I slept a lot. I do not know why. 

I just couldn't wake up in the morning. I slept again in the afternoon. But, today my pain is also a little less, so I am not complaining. 

Overall, I am feeling encouraged. 

I wanted to study a bit more today, but I feel very foggy in the head today. 

So, I will just let me have a pass today. It's fine. I know I will make it up tomorrow. 

[I know I talk to my brain like it is a child. I think it might be!!!]

Today I felt like sharing a poem. This one is very close to my heart and whenever I feel lost, or unhappy or feel like I need a boost, I read this. It is not a euphoric poem, but I just love it. 

Well, on that note, I bid you adieu! Enjoy the poem!

Tata! 

Faery Song

- John Keats

Shed no tear! oh, shed no tear!
The flower will bloom another year.
Weep no more! oh, weep no more!
Young buds sleep in the root's white core.
Dry your eyes! oh, dry your eyes!
For I was taught in Paradise
To ease my breast of melodies,--
Shed no tear.

Overhead! look overhead!
'Mong the blossoms white and red--
Look up, look up! I flutter now
On this fresh pomegranate bough.
See me! 'tis this silvery bill
Ever cures the good man's ill.
Shed no tear! oh, shed no tear!
The flower will bloom another year.
Adieu, adieu -- I fly -- adieu!
I vanish in the heaven’s blue,--
Adieu, adieu!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Weights, 1804 Steps
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Veggies, Dal
  • Snack: Orange, Jamrul, Narkeli Kul, Cocoa Milkshake with Chia & Flaxseeds
  • Dinner: Quinoa, Eggs, Chicken Stew
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Sleepy but happy

2017 Chapter II Section 4

I Am On A Break

Let me be Free, 

Let me be lazy, 

Do not Disturb, 

I don't want to be Busy. 

I do not wish to Work, 

I do not wish to think, 

I just want to lay still, 

I don't even want to blink.

Give me a bed, 

Give me some food, 

Give me some space, I just want to be alone, 

I don't mean to be rude. 

Tata! :) 

 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 3777 steps.
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Dal, Veggies
  • Snack: French Fries, Momos, Puchka, Orange, Jamrul, Narkeli Kul
  • Dinner: Rice Spaghetti in alfredo sauce (homemade)
• Study: None
• Read: A Clash of Kings
• Feeling: Super Happy. I met my old friend and went through memory lane. Brain wants to do nothing today. Don't make me think, please.

2017 Chapter II Section 1

I Am Privileged

No, I am not Rich, 

Neither, do I live in a Castle.

I don't use a Golden Spoon,

Nor, do I have People at my beck and call. 

Yet, I am Privileged!

I am a Woman, 

I am Queer.

I have fewer Rights than many,

Yet, I am Privileged!

I work Hard for everything I want,

I have Struggles, 

And, they are quite Real,

Things Don't go my way most of the time. 

Yet, I am Privileged!

I have a Roof over my head, 

A loving Family, 

Loyal Friends, 

Food Galore!

I don't need to Worry about things I Need. 

I am Educated, 

I am Independent.

I have a Mind,

I have a Heart, 

I have a Voice.

Yes, I am Privileged! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:  

• Exercise: 3187 steps  
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Kichuri, Beguni
  • Snack: Sweet corn Chicken soup, Orange, Jamrul
  • Dinner: Korashutir Kochuri, Aloor Dum, Cholar Dal (Swaraswati Puja special) 
• Study: None, Rumour is you don't study on this day! :P
• Read: None
• Feeling: Better, happier. Went out and ate good food. 

2017 Chapter I Section 20

WEIGH-IN PART 2

This week I have been a little better with my exercise. I tried to make sure I walked at least 4000 steps a day and put in 20 minutes of some other form of exercises like weight lifting or interval training. I even finished 10,000 steps on one of these days.

Food wise, it was not a good week. Neither has it been a good week of sleep. I am still having trouble with my sleep pattern, and it seems I get around 2.45 hours of sleep on average. This has been a lot less than what I should get or try to.  

I have noticed a direct link between my lack of sleep and overeating or eating the wrong things. So, I have to fix one thing to fix the other. -_-

So, that will be something I will have to get a check on. 

I have not lost any weight or do not see any significant changes in the loss of inches on my body, but there has been a decrease of Body Fat by 1% which makes me happy and hopeful.  

My periods have started again; I was told that due to the hormonal issues and the medicines I am taking, this might happen. Today the pain has been crippling. I was bedridden most of the day. 

I did try to walk around for a bit and did some household chores to keep my body moving. 

Well, here is hoping that I better my numbers next week! 

Tata! 

THE STATS FOR THE WEEK: 

Date: 20/01/2017

Weight: 87 Kgs
Body Fat: 51%
BMI: Obese Class 2
Lean Mass: 42.63 Kgs

Neck: 14.90 Inches
Shoulders: 45 Inches
Chest: 44.10 Inches
Waist: 45.20 Inches
Hips: 46.50 Inches
Bicep L: 13.10 Inches
Forearm L: 10 Inches
Bicep R: 12.50 Inches 
Forearm: 9.50 Inches
Thigh L: 27.50 Inches
Calf L: 15.60 Inches
Thigh R: 27.60 Inches
Calf R: 14.90 Inches

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 4768 Steps
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Dal, Squash  and potato curry, Fish
  • Snack: Fruits
  • Dinner: Rice Spaghetti in Alfredo sauce (Homemade)
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Pain Saga continues, Stomach aches the most thanks to periods! Aiiyeeee :(

2017 Chapter I Section 15

A Lazy Crazy Day

I stayed true to the day, Sunday, by doing nothing! :D

I woke up, cooked, ate and slept a lot! Yes, a very good day indeed! 

My mother has been asking me to cook Biriyani for a while, so I thought today was the perfect day for it. I made Mutton Biriyani and Chicken Butter Masala! (Recipes coming up soon)

It was really good! Hey, I have to compliment if it's good right? Even if it means tooting my own horn! :P 

Anyway, I end this lazy day by being lazier and sharing the picture of our lunch! 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 970 steps  

• Food:

  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Mutton Biriyani, Chicken Butter Masala, Raita, Salad, Mishti Doi, Nolen Gurer Mishti (All homemade except the sweets)
  • Snack: None
  • Dinner: Mutton Biriyani, Chicken Butter Masala, Raita, Mishti Doi, Nolen Gurer Mishti 
• Study: None, who studies on a Sunday!!!
• Read: None
• Feeling: Lazy and happy 

2017 Chapter I Section 3

Why do I do what I do?

Sometimes, I do not understand how my brain works! I mean, I was having a perfectly good day. I woke up on time. I started with the right foods. I was ready to do weights (I didn't in the end, my cramps got the better of me). I began studying on time. Then, suddenly as afternoon fell, I turned into a new human being! 

I am not joking. I felt like something possessed me. It is 18:02 IST and I am sitting in front of my laptop wondering why I did what I did in the last few hours! 

You must be wondering what this girl is talking about!? I am talking about food! I don't think I love food; I think I am addicted to it. Recently I have had this feeling more than once, that I might be a lot more dependent on food than I had initially thought. 

I have meant to make Patishapta for a while. It is a Bengali sweet dish which is like a mini roll made of rice crepes and a coconut and jaggery filling. I am not a big fan of sweets, but I wanted to learn how to make them. Just like that. 

Anyhu, not trying to brag or anything, but, oh man, they turned out much better than I had hoped. I think my mother also did not believe that they would taste so good. Anyway, I was nicely making them and promised myself that I would only eat one small one, to taste, you know! 

Here, I am after eating 3 of them, and none of them was small!!! And, to add to it, I made koraishutir kochuri (fried wheat tortillas with peas filling) and cabbage curry! And, ate that too! 

So, usually, I wouldn't have reacted much to this. I mean I made food, and I ate it. But, what got to me was, while I was eating I felt like it wasn't Me who was eating the food. Like I was momentarily possessed and then now I just remember the feeling of being full! 

I do not know if this makes any sense to you. I am pretty sure it doesn't. And, what is worse is, this is not the first time this has happened. I seem to eat unhealthy food in large amounts and have no memory of eating them. Somehow, my brain nicely erases these moments. 

One of the main reasons I wanted to start blogging was to keep an honest account of my daily food consumption. Something I can go back to when I seem to be lying to myself that I ate well throughout the day and the reason I am not losing any weight is that I am just cursed!!! 

See, I have always had weight issues (I will talk more about it in the coming days). Either I was too thin or too fat. I mean seriously I was either unhealthily underweight or obese. I am the latter now! 

I do not want to lose weight in the hopes of being hot. No, I just want to be healthy. I am 28, and I want to start to take care. As it is I have many health issues, I do not want to add more to them.

So, this worries me a lot. That sometimes I sort of black out when I am in front of food. Something in me totally breaks down as the deliciousness beckons me. And, I do not know what to do! 

Sometimes, I eat, actually stuff myself, even when I am not hungry. Even when I am full to the brim, I would unconsciously keep eating. I sometimes feel this food addiction and the fact I was bullied in my childhood might be directly linked. Anyway, more on that at a later date. I feel mentally fatigued. I am very disappointed with me. I wanted to eat better, and I have already started failing. 

I think I will go and read something. Maybe that will help. 

Edit: 21:18 IST

I have lost my mind today. Out of sheer dumbness has been born my brain. I did not read or finish what I wanted to study. I walked around for a while though, but shamefully so my Pokemon egg would hatch! (facepalm) And, then I decided to have a simple salad but mom said oh no I made parathas so just finish them or they will go bad and so I had that with eggs! I mean Whyyyy? 

Maybe I should stop putting so much pressure on myself about not eating certain things and just encourage it to eat the right thing. Funnily enough I do eat my share of fruits and veggies and good protein every single day. But, some how end up over eating by eating some bad junk! 

Help! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked 3500 steps. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Left over Rice Spaghetti and Vegan homemade pasta sauce 
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Mixed vegetable, Dal, Fish, cucumber.
  • Snack: Super Drink, 3 Patishaptas, 2 koraishutir kochuri and cabbage curry.  
  • Dinner: Two parathas and egg bhurji
• Study: Stanford, one module. 
• Read: 20 pages from Uganda Be Kidding Me by Chelsea Handler
• Feeling: Rather Disspointed with me.