2017 Chapter III Section 3

Then & Now

[Today I am not doing the weigh-in as nothing has changed since last week as I was sick the whole week and I truly want to talk about what I have written below!]

As I pack my room and get ready to leave on a somewhat long journey, I keep finding my old pictures. I have never been comfortable in front of the camera as much as I am behind it. But, on these rare occasions, somehow I willingly stood in front of a camera and let someone take my picture. 

When I see my old pictures, somehow I see how much I have changed. I have evolved. Most of it is good, but there are things which I loved about the old me, which is slowly disappearing. 

Anyone who sees my old pictures would always point out how thin I was at that point. Earlier it used to bother me, but now I think I have grown a much thicker skin! (quite literally I feel)

When I look at these pictures, I see a more innocent me. I see how so many people so easily used my naivety. I have always been one of those 'helpful' people. I have on so many occasions, done things for others even when it hurt me or delayed my work. I used to do that even with no thanks in return and sometimes after I helped I would hear rumours about those very people talking bad behind my back. 

But, I have obviously learnt. 

One of the things I miss about old me is I used to be a less angry person. I am not sure if it is because of my current situation that has turned me into an old grinch or I am slowly turning into one. But, I do get angry quite quickly nowadays. And, I do not like it. 

I have always hated anger in general, and now I hate it that I do that.

I obviously miss the fact that I used to be quite slim. But, I am more confident in my being than I used to be. I might be the heaviest now, but I have the most confidence in me than ever before. 

I have realised my heart is still the same. I still feel the pains I used, and now I feel them even more as now I understand the truth behind those betrayals. 

I have always had a wall around me but now it is a lot more inviting yet a lot tougher to break (I do not know if it makes sense to you as it made to me). 

Let me try to explain: I do talk to more people and am in general less judgemental (I was very idealistic before), but I do not jump forward to help each and everyone as I used to before. I have become a little picky about whom I let into my heart completely.  

Anyway, I think I still have a lot more growing to do! And, am quite happy with the me that I have become. I just always hope to remember where I have come from and where I want to go! 

On that note, Tata!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Weight Training, Packing
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Macher Paturi, Rice, Aloo Gobi
  • Snack: Lactose-Free Milk, Coffee, Cupcake
  • Dinner: Luchi, Kosha Mangsho 
• Study: Stanford 
• Read: None
• Feeling: Nostalgic. 

2017 Chapter I Section 13

Weigh-In Part 1

I am a ridiculously stubborn person. I know what is right for me, and I know the exact solution to many of my problems, but I do not follow them. I do not know, why!? 

Why Arunima, why, why are you like this? Why-why-why? 

So, anyway, I have decided that I need to be held responsible for my health. (Yes, that is how much I care about me, I need to be held accountable on a social platform or else I am just too lazy to take care! Ain't I the beacon of humankind?) 

This is, of course, for none, other than ME. But, apparently, this is the only way to get my brain to understand. I hope!

So, about 18 days back, I started my 'need to get fit' routine, but I haven't kept an account of anything much. So, I have decided to keep a tab on it from now on.
 
Fridays will be my 'weigh in' day. Last time I had measured was 18 days ago. Since then I have lost 2 kgs and 4% body fat. I have also lost a few inches from different parts of my body. Whoopee! :D

Though the progress is not that bad, I have not been able to get my food routine in control. More than often I eat things I am not supposed to and in quantities, I am not supposed to. 

I have been exercising almost every day, either walking or some form of cardio and, in between, also did some weights and interval training. But, they have been very Hodgepodge. 

I want to make it more regular and a little more planned. I do have a proper meal plan and an exercise plan which I had followed once earlier which were made by experts in the field (I mean a trainer and a dietician). 

I have even done my research and modified it to fit my current dietary requirements and exercise needs. I just need to follow it correctly! 

Well, here is to hoping my brain is reading this as I write it. (Yes, I think I am two persons in one, I contradict me more than anyone I have ever met.)

Anyway, these are the stats:

Date: 13/01/2017

• Weight: 87.1 Kgs
• Body Fat: 52%
• BMI: Obese Class 2
• Lean Mass: 41.81 Kgs
• Neck: 14.50 Inches
• Shoulders: 45 Inches
• Chest: 44.20 Inches
• Waist: 45.20 Inches
• Hips: 46.70 Inches
• Bicep L: 13.30 Inches
• Forearm L: 9.8 Inches
• Bicep R: 12.50 Inches 
• Forearm: 9.8 Inches
• Thigh L: 26.8 Inches
• Calf L: 15.70 Inches
• Thigh R: 27 Inches
• Calf R: 14.70 Inches

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Fitstar First Session,  4002 Steps.
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None, I woke up at 11!!!!! 
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Dal, Veggies. 
  • Snack: Pizza! (I am ashamed but all of us felt like having pizza)
  • Dinner: Salad
• Study: Stanford. Half a module. 
• Read: None.
• Feeling: Started the day off feeling groggy and lost, now feeling more focused and happier. 

So what do you weigh?

Weight has been a constant struggle of mine since I was a child. Either I weighed too little or too much. Either I am too thin or too fat. I know many who have gone through similar struggles of their own. I am sure my friends here on Facebook can comment and validate that.

I have always found it ridiculous that how, many fail to see the struggle, the pain or the implication that a few simple words put together can have on others; "You are so fat, maybe you should lose some weight!" Alternatively, "You are so thin, you do not eat properly." I have been stupid enough times to let these very words get to me, oh so many times.

I have had many health issues and have gone through different kinds of medication. A lot of those have led to erratic weight gain or loss. Most don’t know that, and that is fine. However, what saddened/saddens me is that when I meet these people (old or new) how much I weigh makes the “Who I am” to them. To them, I am either too lazy or a bad eater or eating too less, etc., etc., etc. I have even met people who insist medication leading to weight gain be just my excuse to hide the real issue, which I am just plain lazy!!! So many times, I have come so very close to punching a few when they say in the most irritatingly cocky/mocking manner; “Oh please if you exercise and ‘diet’ you will lose weight. Look I have done it!” (And, they insist I look at their abs or muscles! Why Why Why!!!?!) Now, I know, I will meet more of these people in future too. I just hope I do not end up punching them!!! ;)

This is what I wanted to/should have said: “Well, dear sir/ma’am, (or person who knows me for exactly 10 seconds), you and I are not the same. What works for you may not work for me! Anyway, thanks for the unwarranted advice and sight. What would I have done in life without that! My hero!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Well, this note is not an online rant about how tired I am of these ridiculous conversations. Yes, I am currently fat (by industry standards) but very healthy! Thank you very much! I exercise regularly and eat well! If that does not satisfy you, well, I do not give a damn. Moreover, no I am not depressed or sad, and nothing is wrong with me or my life. I honestly felt like writing something, and I know of many who have gone through similar struggles and thought sharing on an online forum would be a nice way to purge myself of the negative feelings and feed off the positive ones.

Having said that, let’s get back to the point. How much I weigh on the scale has been the point on which many have judged the who I was/am! No, the two things are not the same. I am not my weight or the fat I have in my body or the lack of it. I am much more than that. I may not be a celebrity or haven’t done anything really that significant with my life, (Yet) I haven’t saved anyone, not even a puppy (they anyway seem to matter much more than human lives anyway) and no I am definitely not on the path to enlightenment of any sort (While I meditate I think of the many mini scripts I want to write or toppings the pizza should have, or sometimes I think of what home improvements can be made to the current room I am sitting in. The last one thanks to my sister who keeps watching these kinds of shows. All the time!). I am most probably not even a very “special” person, not a “genius” and definitely not skilled in most things on earth. Moreover, to be honest, that’s fine.

I realised I am, well, Me!!!

Moreover, I am super happy and proud of that. All the people I have met, all the times I have been able to make people laugh (seems to be more often than I realise), all the great meals I have been able to make, the innumerable hours I have spent studying/working, travelling and trying new cuisines, meeting interesting people, reading, being safe in general (something we actually take for granted most days); through all that I have realised I have lived a pretty decently good life. I have a loving family (all are healthy and hearty), a few crazy friends and a desire to live on to see what’s next. Moreover, I think all these outweighs everything else.

I think the weight that I carry in my heart, of all the love I have received, the memories I have made, the brilliant food I have eaten (Oh, of course, I had to mention this, DUH!), the people I have met, the places I have been to; all that weighs much more than I can ever weigh or not weigh (you know the whole thin/fat thing, in case some people don’t get it).

So, tell me how much do you weigh? (And, all those ready to crack some smart ass joke, do refrain from that. No, seriously I mean it.)

P.S. Of course, while I rant about weighing a beautiful video like this has to pop up. Sometimes the perfect words come from the most unexpected sources! Do watch. #neededthisbadly

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1I...

Do you see the real me?

Hey,

What do you see when you look at me?

Is it my beautiful soul?

That has been a work in progress since day one.

Or, is it my sense of humour?

(Well, I never see you not laughing when you are with me.)

Maybe I didn’t master all the trades,

But, I know the little tricks.

I know how to make my world go round.

I pay my dues just like you do.

Maybe a bit more sometimes.

But do you see all that hard work?

All the sacrifices?

All the shame, the suffering, all the laughter and joy?

That makes me?

Or do you only see a part of me,

A small part.

That part which wraps around my soul,

Like a lard filled wrap.

Do you only see my skin, my stretch marks,

My little bumps and bruises?

I know my skin and bones,

Look a little, okay, maybe a lot different

From yours. Maybe I have a bit more.

A lot more than there should be.

But, does it make me any less?

Do you really only see a ‘fat girl’ when you look at me?

Or, have you never really seen me at all?