2022 Chapter VIII Section XXII

Can I please get a ‘Fresh Start’ in purple to go?

Here we go again. Another fresh start is about to start. And I feel truly excited about this one.

I recently listened to a podcast that mentioned a book (names of both elude me right now) where they talk about fresh starts. That it gives people a sense of beginning and hope. Fresh starts can happen at any given time and shouldn’t be restricted to certain times and places. But, some fresh starts can be obvious, like the beginning of a new year (heck even a week) or moving to a new place.

So, ding ding, I have recently moved to a completely new country where I barely know anyone.

I have been here for exactly 55 days now. I am in a new country, in a new apartment with new furniture, and yet I feel like I am continuing the same old patterns I wanted to leave behind. In the 55 days, I feel like I have made no progress. (It’s not true, but in my head, I feel so.)

I started thinking about it. Why is it that I feel like I am in a loop? It took me 55 days and a very bad period of pain episodes to finally understand the why.

I am still the same person following the same patterns, but there is an added element of confusion that has crept in. It seems I was so invested in the ‘moving’ part of the move that I didn’t think about the ‘what’s next.’ I mean, I did, but it was mostly very theoretical. I know what I need to or want to do next, but I do not have the how or the motivation to do it.

I really do not feel motivated. At all.

This really confused me. Somehow I thought the move would be the motivation I needed to do what’s next. But, no, I just feel so tired and relieved, but mostly so tired. Like the years of waiting for something, the constant anxiety, the constant thinking, “now what next” has finally caught up with me, and all I want to do is nothing.

Okay, to clarify, when I say nothing, I mean I will still continue with my freelance work (because of rent and food), but I do not feel like looking for that great job I have been thinking about for years now.

I want to go out and see my new city. Go to a museum and sit there the whole day. Walk for hours and discover new neighbourhoods. I have always loved walking, and that love is coming back slowly. I love listening to an audiobook or a podcast and just walking.

I mean, is it wrong to want to enjoy the moment I am in? I have worked hard and saved, and I feel I deserve to take it a little easier. I have even aggressively done the maths, I have enough saved up to go a few months without worrying or even depleting my savings too much. Shouldn’t I take the advantage that the past me has provided the current me?

The guilt that I feel every time I think about just doing ‘nothing’, has been quite demotivating. And, I feel lately my thoughts have become very jumbled and cluttered. This then leads me to think maybe I should take this ‘break’. I can create the routines that my anxious brain loves so much. I can go out and make some friends. But, then should I? Shouldn’t I be doing what all new immigrants do? Find a better job and better myself?

All these and more have led me not to feel the freshness of this fresh start that has been the BIG MOVE. I feel stagnant, and I feel guilty and and and. The same health issues continuing doesn’t make it feel any fresher either. It feels like it’s been a new bottle but the same old wine, a whiny me that is.

I think the problem isn’t with the freshness but with the start. I do not feel like starting anything. I want to bask in the warmth of one thing (the move) that has been successfully completed.

Maybe instead of thinking of this as a grand fresh start or just one fresh start, what if I break it down into smaller fresh starts, I feel like that will work. Right?

What if instead of, finding a new, good and high paying job, losing weight, starting routines, meeting new people, going to new places, etc., all at once, I simply break down each of these into tinier fresh starts?

• Fresh start #1 Walk every day, starting August 23rd, 2022.

• Fresh start #2 Go to an event/meet up once a week starting from first week of September.

You get the gist, right? I think that should work, right? Why does my fresh start have to be one grand image? It can be made of tiny pixels, of tiny fresh starts.

Here is to starting over, time and again, and to never giving up.

2017 Chapter I Section 31

One Habit, Two Habit & Three: First Month of Blogging! 

I have always loved to write. I find it being the best way to express myself. I am sadly not the most skilled at it, but I try. 

One of the things, I wanted to do this year was to read and write more. I do read a lot in general, be it articles, blogs, new papers or something very general. I read books too. I used to read a lot more, but I still try to finish a book every few weeks. I want to increase those numbers, though. 

But, writing was something I was not doing at all. Maybe it's something I like to believe in, or maybe there might be some real truth to it, but I feel when I write more, I am more aware and feel smarter. 

I do not know if that makes sense or not but when I write I feel like my brain opens up, I can feel my pupils dilating as if it is ready to absorb more from the universe than it normally does. I do not exactly know how to convey it to you, but I just feel more alive. 

I have always loved writing. I do not like to talk much. I mean to most people. I have my selected bunch of people I would like to have a phone or one on one conversation with and with the rest I would rather message or chat. 

I sometimes feel quite lucky that I live in the technological era that I do because emailing and messaging systems have made this anxiety-driven person a lot more social than she could have hoped to be. 

So, basically, I am saying that writing is my outlet for my thoughts. Everyone needs an outlet, and this is mine. I do not like to divulge much of my life to others. But, through writing, I feel I get the feeling of sharing and so the need to reveal my secrets also go away. 

When I was young, I used to write in my diary, but since I have developed Fibromyalgia, the task of physically writing has been quite difficult. I do send occasional emails to the self, but in general, I haven't really 'talked to myself' in a long while. (I do believe we should all have more conversations with the self so we can learn to filter a few unnecessary things we say aloud to others.)

This New Years when everyone was busy with their celebrations and resolutions, I decided I have to promise to talk to me more or at least to express my thoughts more. Now, my outlets are few and most I do not like. Also, I wanted to hold myself accountable and what's a better way than to write on a social platform.

I know hardly anyone reads my blog, but the fact that I have convinced my brain that every day I need to write about something or the other, that I need to think more, has led me to do that exact thing. 

I honestly have enjoyed writing every day this month, and this has become sort of a habit now. Barring the few days when I was very sick, I have made it a point to take some time off each day from everything, sit down and write. 

I am happy I have been able to write almost every day of the month. I have noticed because writing has become such a habit; it has started affecting my other habits too. I love to follow my routine of exercises, food, reading, and studying. 

I know for a while I was not well enough to do any of it. And, knowing my health issues, there might be more days like that. But, I have noticed a positive change in my mindset. I now feel bad when I miss out something. And, instead of dismissing it or finding excuses for missing out on something I want to do. I just simply find a way to make sure I do it or at least find an alternative. 

I am positive that one good habit can permeate to create other good ones. I look forward to them, and I look forward to writing what's on my mind every single day this year! 

Thank you, stranger, for reading! :) 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 1944 steps 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None (Woke up late, still haven't been to fix my sleep pattern)
  • Lunch: Rice, Rajma, Cauliflower and Potato Curry
  • Snack: French Toast
  • Dinner: Soup
• Study: Stanford
• Read: None
• Feeling: Happy! Tonsils hurt but rest seem to be working.