Scared but Thankful!
Yesterday was scary. I mean not the whole day, just how it ended.
I finally got some sleep and woke up at noon, thinking, 'Today is the day'. Nope, I was wrong.
I did my meal plans, cleaned the house and was in general excited about my sister coming back home. But, once evening rolled in, my neck started hurting a lot. It was hurting before but by now I am so used to pain, I ignore it, most of the time.
I have had years of pain. So, I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia when I was 18. I had gone to the right doctors or at least the ones I was told to. Recently after coming to Irvine, I have been going to a chiropractor for Subluxation and my pain, in general, seemed to have been under control, most of the time.
But, sometimes I have days or nights when I can hardly move or even breathe.
I have been under a lot of self-made stress recently and my anxiety levels have been very high. I haven't been exercising at all. And, I have a feeling all of this helped in my pain reaching a different level.
Now, I have a history of having these attacks which feel like my body spasms uncontrollably and they are very painful. I sometimes feel like my body mimics epileptic attacks. I have been to multiple neurologists, physiotherapists, chiropractors etc etc etc. My family has spent a fortune on me so we could understand what is wrong with my body.
I have even been to a psychologist because I was told maybe my pain is psychosomatic. I have pretty much done everything possible in India. I even visited a pain clinic where I got these shots on my spinal cord which was the most painful experience in my life. But, we will keep that happy story for another day.
Currently, thanks to my chiropractor I have less pain and can go around living a normal life. Most people I meet feel I have pain because of my excess weight. But, I think most people do not understand how difficult it is for me to do anything because of the pain.
Anyway, I digress.
So, yes, about yesterday night. I could feel my neck swelling up and my head started hurting a lot. I immediately thought maybe it is because I hadn't eaten anything the whole day. But, then I remembered, I had my MCT oil drink which is quite heavy, a huge bowl of salad and 5 of my awesome meatballs (they are pretty big). So, it wasn't like I was completely on an empty stomach.
It was around 7 pm. I called my friend, who lives nearby, to ask if she wanted to have pizza and we drove down to a pizza place close by to pick up our order. I was in a lot of pain by then and now that I think back, I should have come back home and rested.
But, by then my sister had landed at the airport and my friend very generously offered to pick her up. The whole ride to and fro must have been only 45 mins. I was not even driving. But, by the end of it, I could feel my entire upper body getting horrible spasms.
I hate making a fuss about me and especially when it comes to an invisible pain. I think I have had enough people tell me that I make this up for mere attention so I think now I do not talk about it much.
Well, I should have. By the time, we reached home, I could hardly move. My lips had become numb. Now, that I am writing about it and remembering everything, I can feel the pain and the spasms again. I could hardly breathe. I had told myself if in an hour I do not feel better, it's time to call the ambulance or to rush to the emergency.
The sad thing is, this is not the first time this has happened. Since I have come to Irvine in March 2017, I have had 4/5 of these attacks. I have already been to a doctor who honestly just didn't believe me and told me maybe I am reading things wrong. I felt quite defeated. I feel defeated. I do not know why this keeps happening. I am sick of going to hospitals.
I wish I didn't always have to live in pain or fear or spasms.
Yesterday was a very bad day but I am thankful that my sister was there. She had just come back home from a 10-day long work trip and instead of me making her feel at home, she was making sure, I was feeling fine.
Thanks to my family and a few loving and understanding friends I have made it through all of these attacks and painful moments, but I am scared these are just going to get worse.
I wish I had answers to what happens to me. I cannot describe to others, the constant pain that my body feels. I am generally a lazy person but a lot of the things that I really want to do, but I cannot is because of my constant pain. I know there are so many people out there who go through similar experiences or worse ones. I wish we could all be in a little bit less pain.
I have appointments to meet new doctors including a neurologist to figure out why my body loves to give me so much pain.
Maybe, one day when I am less in pain (or less lazy, I feel a lot of my recent 'laziness' has stemed out of the pain I feel while doing certain tasks), I will write about how this pain has changed me or how it affects me. Maybe someone will finally have some answers for me.
Till, then I am scared of the pain and spasms but really thankful I have people to take care of me.
Tata!