2017 Chapter VII Section 26

Of What Was and What Could Have Been!

[Technically It's the 26th, but I have something else planned for that day, so here goes, enjoy, my invisible blog reader!] 

Of course the minute I decided I need to go back to being regular with my blog and life, my health hit me hard. There was nothing new in the thing that happened, the same old pain in the back, couldn't move, pain in the body, prolonged periods, you know the drill by now. I became an emotional mess thinking there is no escaping this loop. This is a part of my life now and the best thing to do is accept it and move on. 

Thanks to my back pain I was barely mobile for a week, then it took another to bounce back completely. And in the mean time, my never ending periods gave me company. And, before you say anything, I am going to all the right doctors and doing everything money allows you to do. These are small annoying health issues which honestly seems to have no permanent solutions. But, one must go on. 

Last week another thing happened which made me breakdown. Chester Bennington from Linkin Park passed away. I have never met him but his voice, his music has been a huge part of my life. My childhood was riddled with bullying and I used to go through bouts of depression. I do not think my family realized to what extent. For me listening to Linkin Park's music was an escape from reality into the world I wanted to build around me. The words from their songs resonated with me. I know this is the truth for many on earth but for me, it felt special. I didn't realize how much I was affected by the sad news, till I sat down and had a small breakdown. I think this news coupled with my already broken health had built up into an emotional ball of pure tears. Chester, your voice will always remain a guardian angel to me. 

It's 3:42 am and I cannot stop my brain from thinking. I am thinking of my past, the people I have left behind, memories of a time that is gone; the good, the bad, the ugly. I feel so weak yet strong at the same time. I do not know if I am making any sense but I wrote something to clear the thoughts from my brain. I will post that tomorrow. For now, I will try to go to sleep. I have an extremely long day tomorrow. 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: HIIT (Soco) (Finally after two weeks)
• Food: 
  • Pre-Workout: None
  • Post-Workout: None
  • Lunch: In N Out!  
  • Snack: Peanut butter and Jam sandwich  
  • Dinner: Pasta  
• Study: UCI.
• Read: Zero to One
• Feeling: Too many thoughts. 

2017 Chapter III Section 22

Today is not a good day

The day started out quite blah and has continued to follow suit! I have been feeling groggy the whole day. 

It is currently 3 in the afternoon, and I feel like someone has punched me hard on multiple places of my body. I took a short nap thinking that would fix everything. But, I was wrong. 

Currently, I don't have a lot of work to finish, so I am taking it a little slow. 

I think the sudden onset of my periods (yes again in just two week's time!!!) is adding to my misery or might be the reason for it too! -_-

Either way, I think I will go for a walk in the evening and see if that helps a little or not. 

I am miserable about that the fact that I am feeling so blank today. I hope this is just a one-day thing! 

Hopefully, tomorrow is a better day! 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Today I am a couch potato
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Egg whites, Frozen veggies, Hummus, Purple Corn Tortilla
  • Lunch: Chole, Brown Rice, Mio Electrolyte
  • Snack: Blackberry, Blueberry, PB&J (comfort food time)
  • Dinner: Quinoa, Chicken, Salad
• Study: Stanford
• Read: None
• Feeling: Feeling bleeeaaahhhhh

2017 Chapter I Section 25

I Am Alive

(I am not sure what I just wrote, but anyway here it is. I am still so woozy in the head that I keep forgetting things. Wow, I was really badly affected by this fever, didn't realise it before!) 

These past five days have been quite bad for me. I had a fever on and off, runny nose (they are flaking right now because I had to wipe it so many times), body aching everywhere and to top it all off, periods. 

And, not just regular periods, my stomach felt like it was going to fall off my body. Sometimes it was paining so much; I would unconsciously start crying. 

Well, on Thursday I did feel a bit warm, but I didn't think it was anything serious. 

On Friday, my periods started, and I thought maybe I am warm and sniffling as a side effect of the periods. 

But, on Saturday I could feel the world spinning around me. 

I do not remember anything from Sunday. I was completely out of it. 
I kept sleeping and in between got up to eat and have medicines. 

Unfortunately, my parents had to go for a wedding so there was no one at home and so I had to keep doing things. But, I do not remember doing any of it. 

Monday was pretty much the same. My head felt heavy, and my body felt like rubber. 

Yesterday was a little better. But, my head was constantly in pain. Still, it was better than the earlier days. 

Today, I still have a runny nose, and I feel super weak. 

I have lost around 2.7 kgs in the last five days, and I feel so weak. 

My brain feels very fuzzy, and if I try to study or read, it hurts! 
(maybe I am getting stupider!!!)

Anyway, on that note, I am off to a short nap. 

Tata!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: None. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Dal, veggies
  • Snack: Fruits, tea, couscous khichuri
  • Dinner: Egg roll
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Still feverish and in a lot of pain

2017 Chapter I Section 24

Better Yet Not There

A bit better today, but still too weak to think or do anything. 

I mostly slept. I couldn't do anything else. 

Fever has gone down, but body aches a lot. 

Funnily, I kept thinking of so many funny things to write but now am too poofed to write anything. 

Looking to tomorrow to continue writing. 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: None. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Dal, veggies, fish
  • Snack: Rice Spaghetti in Alfredo sauce (Homemade)
  • Dinner: Clear Soup
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: My head is splitting open, and body aches so much. And, so much phlegm and so much periods! -_-

2017 Chapter I Section 21

Cold Meets Periods

Blocked Nose, 
Itchy Throat,
Stomach Aching, 
Brain-Draining, 
Body Mushy, 
Bloody, Messy.
Oh, wait...
A big sneeze, 
Can you stop this, please? 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

Exercise: Haven't checked. Was bedridden with a cold, fever and extremely heavy flow: the perfect trio you see! 
Food:
Breakfast: None
Lunch: Rice, Dal, veggies
Snack: Mughlai Paratha
Dinner: Clear Soup
Study: None
Read: None
Feeling: Red-nosed, bloodied body, and blank.

2017 Chapter I Section 10

Red Day Continues

21:13 IST, I had many thoughts running through my head today, and I really wanted to pen them down. But, currently, I feel like someone has punched me repeatedly in the stomach. I also feel like a child who is being forced to wear an extremely wet diaper. I mean a very very very very very very very wet diaper!

And, the weather in Kolkata is not helping. I mean our usually warm city suddenly feels much cooler than I am used to. It is currently 14 degree Centigrade and my room has a mysterious draft inside. 

[Sidenote: Wait, is that because of the weather or due to the presence of a spirit? I wouldn't be surprised if there are a few spirits present in my room. Maybe more on that on some other day.]

Anyway, partly due to the medications I now have to take to stop my periods and partly due to sleep depravity (thanks to an idiotic friend who needed to talk at 3 in the morning which was mostly us fighting about inane things, I am also an idiot to have encouraged the fight) I am in no mental state to write today! I had planned to write some inspirational stuff like 'believing in oneself', but right now I am having a hard time believing my body so maybe not the best of days! 

Anyhu, I now lay on my bed, waiting to post the blog so I can use my hands to clutch my stomach and then make a weak, sad moaning sound, expressing how much pain I am in. 

On that note, Good Night! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 4150 steps. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None, I couldn't wake up. 
  • Lunch: Rice, dal, vegetables, fish
  • Snack: Super Drink, Chola salad
  • Dinner: Quinoa, Chicken Keema, Egg
• Study: Stanford, finished a module. 
• Read: None
• Feeling: Emotionally Fine, but physically exhausted.

2017 Chapter I Section 9

A Very Red Day

I think when George R.R. Martin was writing about the Red Wedding, he was thinking about me. 

For a colour I do not like much, I see Red everywhere. I mean everywhere. 

I have been having my periods non-stop for 25 days now. I feel weak and woozy all the time. And, I lost 2 kgs! (I want to lose weight but not like this!)

Yes, I have been to a doctor. Actually, in the last five years, I have been to 3 different Gynaecologists. 

Each one of them has come to only one conclusion; my hormones are F$%ked! (I do not like using swear words much, but had to here) 

Now, it can be due to so many different reasons, but here are some of the suspects:

1. The nerve medicines and the painkillers I had to take for a while: Now, both of these were due to Fibromyalgia. When I started having regular pain, the doctors didn't know what it was. So, I acted as a guinea pig to an orthopaedic then three neurologists, a neuro specialist and a psychologist. After months and then years of them recommending various treatments, finally, I was diagnosed with Fibro. It has been my longest relationship till date. Besides the excruciating and continuous pain that I have gone through (or go through sometimes), I was subjected to many kinds of medicines. I now avoid medications like the plague and always try to find an alternative or a more natural solution. But, there was a time when I had to take around 7-8 pills a day which included antidepressants (not for depression but the pain!!!). Anyway, I have been told recently because these kinds of medicines usually have severe side effects, having an adverse effect on my hormones can be one of them! Winner, winner, chicken dinner, eh? 
2. The bad eating habit I had for a while: I know I have a food addiction. I do eat a lot more junk than I should or even want to. Now, I am not sure how to explain that but, I do! Either way, I need to stop complaining and start working harder. Life Mantra: Mind over body, mind over body! One day at a time, come on, one day at a time. 
3. Obesity: Now, this has been a struggle for the last few years, 3 to be exact. I have been consistently gaining and losing weight for a while. This is part due to my depression and part due to being lazy. I do not have anyone other than me to blame. I am trying this year to make a change. 
4. The odd hours that I have been keeping for the past few years: This has been mostly because of the kind of work I do! I used to work late hours while I was on sets as an AD or part of the production team. Then, came late night script writing and then I started working at nights as I began working with American clients for Social Media Marketing. A good night's sleep can solve so much.
5. Thyroid: It is the suspect, but my doctor refuses to give me medicines for it yet. He says if I can cure this naturally, that's the best way to go. Now, I do agree with him, but it is quite literally making my life horrible. 

Well, there can be other reasons too, but since these are the ones which show up on the radar quite often, I need to focus on them. I have been working on them for a bit now, and my Gynaecologist says, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But, till I see it, my body will put me through some sad days. 

And, till then, I just have to be careful so that every time I sit down somewhere, I don't go "Out, damned spot" (I know a bit out of context, but I just couldn't help myself, because 'spot', periods, you get it, right? :D).

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked for 10 mins before I felt like I would faint on the spot! :(
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None, I couldn't wake up. 
  • Lunch: Rice, vegetables, fish
  • Snack: Salad
  • Dinner: Rice Spaghetti
• Study: Stanford 
• Read: Finished Uganda Be Kidding Me
• Feeling: Emotionally Fine, but physically exhausted and I didn't even do much!