2022 Chapter X Section XXVI

Routines keep my anxiety calm. 

I am a naturally anxious person. So if you tell me something, I can guarantee you that I will somehow find a way to overthink it and then, of course, go into an unnecessary spiral and finally tire myself out. 

2020 made it worse. I will not go into the various reasons why (I mean apart from the obvious one) as that will take up an entire day, so that will be for another day. 

I couldn’t understand how to keep my brain calm! Even when there was nothing to worry about, I would find something. My sweet mother witnessed most of my panic attacks, and, bless her soul, she tried to help me. 

Therapy helped a lot. A LOT! I highly recommend it. She taught me multiple ways to anticipate bouts of anxiety and tackle them. I practice them regularly. 

But my anxiety is quite powerful. Moving to a new country, looking for jobs, high cost of living, feeling lonely, etc., etc., etc...just added to the feeling of hopelessness. 

I spent weeks overthinking and anxious. No amount of meditation and pep talks seemed to help me. Then, lo and behold, I observed a pattern. 

Since moving to Toronto, I decided to walk around and explore the city more. I love long walks, which I feel is a great way to get to know a city. 

So, some days I would walk for 10-12kms roaming around the different neighbourhoods. 

Initially, I would feel drained because I barely ever walked in Kolkata. I would feel exhausted, but I always felt happy. On the days I didn’t walk, my happiness was less. So, I started walking more, 10,000 steps a day. I set a specific goal and decided that I needed to hit those steps every day, no matter how slowly I walked or at whatever time. 

I have been doing this for two months now, and yes, I have missed many days in between, but I feel less anxious now. I have also created small routines around my walk. And I love them. Some days can be very hard, but I know that once I start walking, I feel happier, and my mind calms down. I also listen to audiobooks or podcasts (true crime all the way!) and sometimes practice my French. 

My aim is to make this a daily habit, no matter what! This is definitely not a new discovery by any means, but to my anxious mind, this is the relief it craves. 

What helps with your anxiety?

2017 Chapter III Section 26

Day of food and happiness

Today has been a happy Sunday. My special work seemed to have gone well; now I am hoping it sees fruition.

After the work, I finally got to indulge in a Double Double and Animal Style Fries! :) I have waited for a while for it. It is yummy! :D

It was followed by a small cup from Yogurtland and washed down with Iced Boba tea from this cute place nearby. 

Now, as my sister and I watch the umpteenth episode of White Collar and eat a handful of high-quality chocolate, I am ready to call it a day! 

I have too many thoughts running through my head, and I am constantly getting distracted by them. 

I need to re-start my meditations. I need to sit quietly with just me and just let the chaos settle down. I have to remember I have life plans and no matter what I have to keep going forward. 

You can do everything in your power, hope for the best and prepare for the worse. The rest will happen as it is written to be. 

On that philosophical note, I am off to bed! Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Weight Training, Packing
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Pasta, My veg sauce, Keema
  • Lunch: In and Out Cheeseburger, Animal Style Fries, Yogurtland Yogurt, Iced Tea Boba
  • Snack: Diet Canada Dry, Small bag of Chex Mix, Tavana Chocolate
  • Dinner: Rice with eggs, Chicken Curry 
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Hoping for the best

2017 Chapter II Section 10

WEIGH-IN PART 5

Today I feel so emotionally defeated and infuriated! I feel, as a human being, I am not doing anything for this world. I feel powerless and helpless. 

Today, while entering the main gate at our housing complex, I  saw the security guard profusely apologising to a car. A man was about to get out of that car and hit that guard. I noticed he was a minister (a very powerful one here, so for the sake of my family, I have been warned not to put down his name).

[Our car passed this scene, and we were there for about a minute or so, but it was enough to hear what the man was shouting about and what the guard was saying sorry about.]

It unfortunately only took a split second to understand that the guard had stopped this man to inquire about who he wanted to meet inside the housing complex. This is a standard procedure here, and the people who stay inside the housing complex are very thankful for their service. 

This man's tiny ego got hurt because he was asked to stop and so he was shouting at the guard. Though the guard was not at fault, he had to keep saying sorry. I wanted to get down from my car and slap that man so hard. I felt so angry. He kept shouting, "How dare you stop me, don't you know who I am?" The guard was almost at the man's feet asking for forgiveness. 

I almost immediately wanted to shout at this man, but my parents told me to calm down and not say anything. The reason being this man, and his so called powerful political party can do a lot of harm to my family and me. 

I felt powerless as a citizen of this country. These politicians who are supposed to serve us, blatantly use their power to oppress people. That so-called minister in actuality works for that guard as the former is paid by our tax money. 

I feel so angry that I couldn't do anything because if I speak up, then most probably I will be harmed and so will my family. I couldn't immediately go and check if that guard was okay or not, but I will for sure. 

We all fear his job might be at stake and for what? For doing his job. I swear to all things good on earth, I will make something of me so that one day I will not have to be afraid of such lowlife pretending to be human beings. I will use my power to show them their place. They do not understand human language or emotions. 

If you cannot respect your fellow humans, (even if they are your subordinates), you deserve no respect. If there is a God, this man should be punished in the way that will hurt him. I couldn't believe the sheer arrogance and ego I saw in his eyes. It's been hours since I saw that, my blood is still boiling and I hope it does for the rest of my life. I do not want to become compliant. I feel ashamed of me for doing nothing today. For not standing up for what is right!  

I do not ever want to bow down to such people. I hope one day I have a loud enough voice to drown his arrogance. 

On other news, it has been a good health week. I have exercised and ate well, especially the last few days. I have started doing some shoulder exercises especially meant for Fibro pain. 

I have started losing some inches and weight, so I am glad. 

I just have to keep up the good work! 

Enough for today. For now, I will watch puppy videos and calm down!

Tata! 

THE STATS FOR THE WEEK:

DATE: 10/02/2017

Weight: 86.1 Kgs
Body Fat: 50%
BMI: Obese Class 2
Lean Mass: 43.05 Kgs

Neck: 14.60 Inches
Shoulders: 47.4 Inches
Chest: 45 Inches
Waist: 43.6 Inches
Hips: 46.20 Inches
Bicep L: 13.50 Inches
Forearm L: 9.8 Inches
Bicep R: 12.40 Inches 
Forearm: 9.8 Inches
Thigh L: 28.2 Inches
Calf L: 15.40 Inches
Thigh R: 28.2 Inches
Calf R: 14.60 Inches

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 4363 Steps, weights
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Murighanta 
  • Snack: Ceasar Salad with very little dressing, narkeli kul
  • Dinner: Rice, Murighanta 
• Study: None
• Read: A Clash of Kings
• Feeling: Furious, at me, the world and in general with everything around me. But, mostly with me. 

2017 Chapter II Section 7

Zero Waste, Minimalism, Environmental Sustainability & Veganism Part 1

No, I am not living either life. I am not vegan, I am not really minimalistic (though I personally do not own a lot of things), and I do not live a zero waste life. But, I want to adopt all of the above and also live a green and environmentally sustainable life!  

For a while now, I have been thinking how I can be more productive and useful to the world. I also want to be a lot more conscious about my footprint here. I want to leave the world a lot better than I received it. 

I do not believe in labels at all, be it for sexuality or life choices. But, recently I have been reading up a lot on Zero Waste, Veganism, Environmental Sustainability and Minimalist life choices. 

Each one of them has aspects which appeal to my very core in one way or the other. 

I have realised that I am a hypocrite. In the true sense of the word. I am a hypocrite without realising. 

I will explain that in the following points:

A. Let's start with Veganism today: 

I say that I love animals. I truly do. I think animals are far superior to human beings. People are selfish, and one species is destroying more of the planet than all of the other species combined. 

We are not only destroying our planet and home but others' too. But, having said that, I have realised that I do not give all animals equal respect. 

I have always been against leather and other animal products. I do not own anything leather, and I use products which are animal cruelty-free. But, that is the extent of my love for animals it seems. 

Recently in India, there was a huge debate about a certain sport where bulls were being used (or rather abused) as part of it. There was a huge uproar about the sport getting shut down.

I felt disgusted when I thought so many people supports animal cruelty. I mean how can they? How can you use animals as a sport? Etc etc. etc.... 

But, then a thought struck me. I eat meat and fish and eggs and milk. I am abusing animals as much as these people are. I honestly do not think I have the right to point out to others what I do in my life.

I mean okay maybe I do not personally kill a chicken, but it is still being killed somewhere, for me! Then, how am I better? I may not be a conscious murderer, but I still am one. 

The thought made me think, a lot more than I had anticipated. I am a Bengali, and our staple diet is Rice and Fish Curry. I have known the taste of animal products since I was six months old. I practically live on animal products (now not so much).

I will not deny it; I love eating meat and eggs. And, this very thought makes me sick and disturbed. Over the years, I have noticed that every time I think about eating non-vegetarian my soul feels like it is dying a little bit.

But, the past few weeks, this has been a constant thought. I cannot be an animal lover by loving a dog but being perfectly okay with butchering a chicken. I know all the arguments for and against eating non-vegetarian, the food pyramid, etc., etc. etc....and now my brain feels so messed up. It is like I am constantly having an internal debate. 

Now, I will be honest I do not eat as much non-vegetarian as I used to before and somewhat I am losing the love for it too. But, deep down I feel like being a Non-vegetarian has become a part of my identity. I know it sounds rather strange and like an excuse. But, that's the truth. For Bengalis Food is a religion and not eating Fish (or mutton) is like losing a part of you. 

But, I feel I am making excuses, but then I feel if I continue the way I live I am still a hypocrite. Maybe, I should say I love some animals as pets and the others as food. Perhaps, at least that way, I am not lying to myself or others. But, does that solve the issue? Sigh! 

I honestly do feel that if I go veg, I will go full vegan. But, I also feel if I quit cold turkey, I will definitely relapse. Wow, I make it sound like an addiction. (A friend had recently told me how it is an addiction.) 

Well, for now, I can decrease my consumption of animal products and by-products. One day at a time. I am writing this today not as a piece to give others hope or lectures in becoming a Vegan. I think to each their own. I would never push my thoughts on others, and I expect the same from others. You don't need to agree with me, just don't bash my ideas because I feel they are legitimate, even if you don't. 

I am genuinely torn in between on this subject, and I would love to have this debate till I can maybe find a solution that works for me. I think this will be a journey that I have to take it to find me and also to find my purpose. (I am honestly not trying to sound philosophical, it is just my current state of mind!!!)

I have a few more thoughts on this, but for now, I think I will go and sit down somewhere and let this mental war play out for a bit. I feel like I am one human with too many contradictions! 

[I know I might be taking a lot more on my plate than I should, but I believe everything goes together, each supports the other. I am setting a goal for me, and I will try to achieve that, but in the meantime, I do not want to be as blind to the issues as I have been till now. That is the whole point of these blogs, to see on (virtual) paper the thoughts I have and find ways to implement them.]

[Note: To Be Continued...on this topic and others...]

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Weights
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Rice, Veggie, Dal
  • Lunch: Rice, Veggie, Dal, Fish
  • Snack: Chia Seeds, Flax Seeds, Chocolate Milkshake, Narkeli Kul
  • Dinner: Rice Spaghetti in Tomato Sauce (Homemade & Vegan)
• Study: None
• Read: A Clash of Kings
• Feeling: Confused, constant battles in my head! 

2017 Chapter I Section 1

New Year & ETC

So, Happy New Year! I feel so strange. I feel like it was just yesterday that 2016 began. I was with my sister at Seattle, all excited about the new year. The new year which was to bring us new beginnings and new hope. 

A year later, and none of it happened. This year I am not feeling that excitement anymore. I am not dreading either, but I don't know, I am quite empty. 

Now, don't get me wrong I am not trying to sound depressed. I am not depressed. But, I don't know I am not very elated either. 

The first day of the new year was void of any events. I woke up like every other day, too late for comfort. Spent quite some time talking to my sister about how bizarre 2016 was. At around 13:30 IST I wished her New Years (she is in California) and then she proceeded to sleep and I towards a book. I am currently reading, rather re-reading Zero to One by Peter Thiel. 

At around 16:30 IST I decided I should stop being lazy and make my Super Drink (recipe will appear on my site soon). I lazily moved around to make my drink. I was super clumsy for some odd reason, and I added a lot more wheatgrass than I intended to. 

After what seemed like 2 hours of a non-stop nonsensical barrage of YouTube vlogs of the tens of different YouTubers I follow, I fell asleep. I think I might have had an adverse reaction to the wheatgrass, or maybe it was because it is the 17th day of my Period (!!!) I was feeling too weak to do anything. 

So, the day ended as it started! Very uneventful! I hope this is not an indication of the rest of the year! 

Though, I am not keeping any resolutions, I have decided to check off a few things each day. My motto: One Day at a time. 

First is to keep a check on my health, especially the food I am eating and the exercise I am getting. A video by the YouTuber Blogilates has inspired me to keep a specific tab on what I am putting in my mouth. I am not going to be too strict about it, but I will definitely try my best. I have added a few I want to personally follow.

• No Dairy
• No Gluten
• No Added Sugar
• No Processed Food
• No Alcohol
• 3 days of Cardio and 3 days of weights
• One day of complete rest
• One cheat meal a week

Second, I want to read something everyday. Even, if it is a page a day, I want to do that. I want to finish a book a week. I used to read a lot more and I have realised that used to make me happy. 

Third, I am currently doing an online course and I keep studying, be to learn a new language or mind improvement specific games. I want to spend at least an hour or two everyday learning something new. 

I also want to keep a tab on how I am feeling in the beginning of the day and at the end of the day. This is not for any specific reason, just felt like it. 

And, finally I want to write about my day everyday. Somedays I might write more, somedays I might not write more than a sentence. But, I want to write. I used to keep a diary and I remember that made me feel so much lighter. I am a woman of the new age so writing a daily blog replaced my brick and mortar diary. :) 

Well, here's to 2017, I am cautiously hopeful for the year (even though I don't want to). Don't break me like 2016 did. 

Today's Checklist:

• Exercise: None
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Nothing
  • Lunch: Homemade Fried Rice and Palak Chicken 
  • Snack: Super Drink 
  • Dinner: Homemade Fried Rice and Palak Chicken 
• Study: None
• Read: Finished around 30 pages. 
• Feeling: Extremely Blah! 

[Note: Due to some Website glitch, this is appearing on 2nd of January. It was meant for the 1st of January, 2017.]